Mar 25 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: VAMP and Clutch by Hasbro

You may remember that I ended last year going hot and heavy with G.I. JOE Classified and so I tried to go easy at the beginning of this year. Well, that turned into an unintentional three month Classified hiatus, so it’s long overdue that I start hitting the Classified content again. And what better way to get back into it than with a glorious new vehicle! For a while I was really convinced that the only vehicles we were going to get out of Classified was motorcycles and the Trouble Bubble. But then HasLab got going with the glorious HISS Tank and the forthcoming Dragonfly Helicopter and the horizons expanded. What I did not expect was to see any mid to larger sized vehicles outside of HasLab projects. And then The VAMP hit Pulse and I was gobsmacked! Naturally I mashed that pre-order button and here we are!

The vehicle comes in a nearly fully enclosed box with just a small window to show off the Clutch figure. Honestly, the size of the box didn’t blow me away, but then there is some minor assembly required as you have to pop on the four wheels and mount the rear machine gun. There’s also some accessories to attach and we’ll get to those each in turn. I really loved the fact that Hasbro packaged the machine gun in it’s own tray to keep the barrels from warping, and you get the ubiquitous cardboard footlocker with tissue wrapped extras. On the other hand, I was a little disappointed that there weren’t any blast effect parts included, especially for an expensive item like this. Still, if you collect this line, you probably have quite a few already. Let’s start with the pack-in figure, Clutch…

Lance Steinberg, aka Clutch will always have a special place in my heart because we were both born in NJ and only about 30 miles from each other: Him in Asbury Park and me in Metuchen. He’s also one of those clean and classic looking JOEs from the early days that reminded me a lot of the 12-inch hand-me-down JOEs that I got from my uncle. In addition to the VAMP driver, Clutch was my JOE’s chief mechanic, a role he shared with Cover Girl, and it’s possible that my head canon had the two of them getting up to more than just oil changes when they were alone in the garage. Anyway… Classified Clutch does a beautiful job of taking the design beats from the original figure and really flushing them out and extrapolating lots of detail. Classified’s other vehicle-bundled JOE, Breaker, kind of came out a little generic, but that isn’t the case with Clutch here at all. You get an intricately detailed tactical vest over a short sleeve t-shirt, olive green trousers with brown knee guards and high boots with brown around the sculpted laces. I dig the lighter green used for the t-shirt against the olive green and brown for the vest.

The head sculpt reflects that classic JOE flavor I’m talking about with the black beard and mustache. The update has the mustache not connecting with the beard, which was an interesting choice, but I can dig it. Hasbro went with sculpting the hair as part of the head here, and while I prefer the hair sculpt to be a different piece, I’m guessing they wanted the sideburns to seamlessly connect to the beard, so they went this route. It looks good, although the paint doesn’t always quite match the hair sculpt around the edges. Still you have to punch in pretty close to notice it. Everything else here looks great!

The helmet fits over the head and features loose chin straps hanging on either side. You also get a sculpted optics mount on the front, which I thought was a wonderful detail. It would have been really cool to have a night vision scope to attach to it. Maybe some third-party will oblige or Hasbro will revisit the concept later.

You also get a fully enclosed helmet, reminiscent of the Steel Brigade style, but this is an actual helmet rather than a second head option. On the one hand, I think this design is really bad ass and I dig the teeth painted on the sides. On the other hand, it seems like overkill for a jeep driver and more akin to something a pilot would wear. This helmet is definitely getting gifted to another JOE, I just don’t know who yet.

Clutch sports some sharp tatts printed on each arm. You get some racing flags, dice, and burning rubber on the left forearm and some crossed pistons and a pin-up girl on his right. I love both of these designs and they really add a lot of personality to the figure.

Clutch has an equipment rig on his right thigh, which includes a removable wrench. This is the same wrench sculpt that came with Cover Girl, but the additional red and gray paint really make it stand out and picks out the detail.

As for weapons, you get an automatic pistol and a shotgun. The pistol is sizeable with some great attention to detail. I especially like the stars sculpted on the painted brown grips. The pistol can be carried in the holster attached to his chest.

The shotgun is a repaint of the one that came with Cover Girl, this time with a brown stock and foregrip, instead of green. Hey, it never hurts to have a boomstick tucked behind the seat! Now let’s get the VAMP out of the garage and ready to bust some snakes!

And here she is all ready to roll out! I think Hasbro did a wonderful job taking the classic VAMP design and enhancing it with some extra detail and modernization without going overboard. There are no stickers to apply, so all the lettering is tampo’d or preapplied decals, and there’s a lot of it. From tiny warning signs to insignia and registration markings, it was fun to discover it all when I first got the VAMP out of the box. I really like the olive green plastic they used for the body and the addition of some extra black for the roll cage looks great. In addition to installing the wheels and rear machine guns, there are a number of smaller accessories and fixtures that need to be attached. These include three sets of light rails. One goes on the front ramming bar and the other two on the top of the windshield frame. The frames are black with translucent blue lenses for the lights, giving them a bit of a glow effect, even though they don’t actually light up. It’s also nice that these are optional in case you want to go with a cleaner more classic look. Grab bars also snap onto the frame above the door hatches.

The profile is perfectly iconic and I dig how high it sits on the wheels. I’ve seen some people complaining that it’s too small, but I don’t agree. Yeah, it does look pretty silly if you load it up with a ton of figures, but this isn’t a troop transport, it’s a jeep. It’s a fast attack vehicle with a top speed of 140mph and a maximum range of 550 miles. I think it’s perfectly sized for the Classified line. But sure, you can have some JOEs hitch a ride on the running board and hanging off the grab bars and I think it still looks fine. One gripe I have is that I wish the running boards were a little larger and maybe had some pegs too.

The front bumper includes a working winch as well as two yellow toe hooks. I do wish the winch rope was black and it was a bit longer, but I may remedy that myself if I feel ambitious some day.

The hood includes a clip to attach the included entrenching tool, you also get a bundle. presumably full of tools or equipment, that attaches to the hood. It’s brown with individually painted black tie-down straps and a nice added bit of kit that wasn’t on the original VAMP. Finally there’s an environmental sensor that pegs in next to the equipment package. I always thought this thing was a laser gun or something, but I don’t think it was ever actually called out on the original blueprints. I really like the addition of an actual windshield, as well as the fact that it can hinge down. And if you want to see what she’s got under the hood, just lift it up to reveal the fully sculpted engine inside.

The backside includes a cage to hold two gas cans and there’s a rack on the outside of the cage to hold the included axe. Oh, and there’s a tow hitch on the back for the obligatory MMS that’ll be coming any month now. But, I’d really like to see the Twin Battle Gun released as well, because that’s what my childhood VAMP was always towing.

The interior is pretty spiffy with biscuit colored seats and a really detailed dashboard. A number of the controls are painted, you get printed graphics for all the display screens and instruments and the shifter on the center console actually slides forward and backward. And check out the sideview mirrors, which are actual mirrors… cool! The steering wheel turns, but it isn’t actually connected to the front wheels. There’s also a clip at the back of the driver’s cabin to hold an included fire extinguisher! The figures slide into the seats easily and there’s plenty of room for the figures in both seats. Alas, no seatbelts!

The pom-pom guns from the original toy have been replaced with a pair of turret mounted machineguns, and these can actually be broken down into two separate machine guns. The assembly can rotate 360-degrees and raise and lower to offer a wide radius of coverage. Each gun is belt fed from a pair of ammo cases that sit on the platform in front of the turret. These don’t actually secure into the plate, so I used a bit of poster putty to get them to stick and it seems to work really well. While the original VAMP was billed as having a crew of only one, it always had a passenger seat, and I imagine it helps to have someone on hand to control the machine gun, unless it had some kind of crazy sophisticated auto tracking system. I would have liked it if the dashboard design actually had a joystick or something to facilitate control of the guns, but I’ll just have to use my imagination on that front.

It’s crazy to think we got a VAMP before an AWE Striker, and yet here we are! The VAMP had a sticker price of $99 and was a Hasbro Pulse exclusive. I’ve seen some griping about the price, but if you figure Clutch as $25, as per the going price of the figures these days, I don’t think $75 is a big ask for what you’re getting here. And even as a pack-in figure, Clutch feels every bit as good as a single boxed release. As for the VAMP itself, I think the design perfectly straddles that line between classic vs modern update, and everything about it feels well thought out. The build quality is solid and this is a rugged toy capable of getting into all kinds of scrapes with Cobra. No, it’s not going to win any battles against the HasLab HISS, but then it wasn’t designed to, so as of now, Cobra is still going to dominate on the battlefield until there are Dragonflys filling the skies overhead.

Feb 28 2024

G. I. JOE Ultimates: Flint and Lady Jaye by Super7

What’s 2024 all about, folks? Unfinished business! And while I did jump ahead into Wave 3 of Super7’s GI JOE Ultimates with a look at Scarlett, as promised I’m now stepping back to Wave 2. And in the interest of getting caught up, I’m going to make it a double today. So let’s check out the JOE’s other power couple: Flint and Lady Jaye!

Wave 2 kept the same snazzy gloss finish to the box and sleeve as the first wave, but there’s not much new to say here about the packaging. The presentation looks great and the windows do a wonderful job displaying the figures. But we’ve got two figures to check out, so let’s hurry past the packaging and start with Flint!

Of course, these figures are done in the Sunbow cartoon style and I’d say they did a bang up job on Flint’s overall look. He’s got his green fatigues with popped collar, camo pattern on the trousers, high laced boots, sleeves rolled up past his elbows, and his short brown gloves. The Y-back shoulder rig and gun belt both look like they’re pulled right from the animation cells, complete with yellow buckles, as does his shoulder patch. I do not remember him usually being drawn with a holster, but Super7 has been doing some compromises here and there and I’ll admit it’s nice to have a holster for his pistol even if it isn’t exactly screen accurate. The sculpted details like the pockets are pretty soft, but I think that’s in keeping with the cartoon look. And yes, articulation has remained unchanged from the first wave. What’s here is serviceable, but certainly not as fun or dynamic as Hasbro’s Classified series.

You get three heads to choose from: One with the beret sculpted as part of the head, one with a removable beret, and one with a communications headset. But before we get into those, let’s discuss the big thing here. The first wave gave the only unmasked figure, Duke, a painted face, but here we have faces and arms using a bare, flesh-colored plastic. I preferred the painted faces, but I don’t think I mind these as much as a lot of collectors. What I do mind is changing horses in mid stream, and then changing back again. It’s true that there’s less chance for paint issues here, but under certain lights the plastic can look waxy, giving the characters a sweaty look. With that having been said, I really like both the stock head with the permanent beret and the one where it’s removable. The first is a more serious expression, the second offers a bit of a smile, and boy they certainly nailed the look of his cleft chin! And honestly, the removable beret fits the head so well, they could have just sculpted both heads without it and I still would have been happy.

The headset head is problematic, as they went with a super thin piece of plastic for the mouth piece, which was all twisted and practically falling off in the box, so I just yanked it out. Luckily, this is my least favorite of the three, as I just don’t think the expression works. Still, I don’t understand why they were able to give Duke a nice and sturdy mouth piece and make this one so fragile. Either way, this head is going in the accessory bin and will probably never be used again.

Flint comes with a backpack, which is similar to Duke’s in that it is actually worn by the figure using straps and it’s a nod to the vintage Real American Hero figure and not the cartoon. At least I don’t remember Flint ever really wearing his backpack in any of the episodes. This is a really nice sculpt with some black grenades and a canteen, with a few paint hits of silver on the buckle and canteen cap. It looks great on the figure, and despite not being something I associate with the character in the cartoon, I will likely display him with it on. OK, let’s move on to weapons!

Oh yes, I do love me that XMLR-3A laser rifle. It’s based on an accessory included with the RAH Snowjob figure, but it was standard issue to most JOEs in the cartoon. I just always loved this design and I’m always happy to see it included with the Ultimates JOE figures. I should note here that Flint comes with a bunch of hands to help him hold his guns and accessories, as well as a pointy left hand for directing JOEs into action!

And Flint also comes with a combat shotgun similar to the one included with the original figure. This strikes a nice balance between realistic detail and cartoon simplicity. I like the raised texture on the pistol-style grip and that the ejection port is sculpted in. Mine has a bit of a curve to the barrel, which I’ll have to address with some heat. It’s a common problem with Super7’s JOE weapons, but I’ve found that it’s usually an easy fix. Still, not something I’m happy to have to do with a $55 figure.

The final weapon is his pistol, and I don’t remember this design from the cartoon, but it certainly has that Sunbow aesthetic to it. It might be more accurate to say, I don’t remember Flint ever brandishing a silver pistol. Either way, it’s a nice piece and it fits pretty well into the holster. I would, however, recommend a modicum of care when holstering it because the front site on the barrel looks like it could be fragile.

Moving on to his standard equipment, we get a walkie talkie and a set of binoculars. The walkie is fine, the binoculars just look terrible. There’s no difference between the fronts and backs and it honestly took me a moment to figure out what the hell they were supposed to be. They really just look like two Stanley cups bolted together. This accessory is best left in the box.

The classic old school military flashlight is pretty cool. Sure it’s a very cartoony sculpt, but it’s also kind of charming. My father brought one of these military flashlights back after serving in the infantry and my brother and I used to play with it all the time.

And lastly for the equipment, you get a shovel. This one puzzled me for a bit, but then I remembered a scene in one of the cartoon episodes where Lady Jaye was hunting with a metal detector and Flint was digging. It’s a bit of a reach for an accessory, particularly since I can’t even remember the episode or the context of the scene, but for a shovel it’s pretty well done. I dig the silver paint on the business end.

The final accessory is the newspaper from the episode, Worlds Without End, Part 1. This one has a group of JOEs stranded in an alternate reality where Cobra has defeated GI JOE and taken over the world. It’s a very memorable two-parter and I’d rank it pretty high on my list in terms of how well it’s written, so this is a really appreciated accessory. OK, time for a commercial break, while I refresh my coffee…

AND NOW BACK TO GI JOE… and Lady Jaye! Like Flint, Lady Jaye is a really nice representation of her cartoon counterpart. You get the light green low-cut blouse with blue shoulder patch and sleeves rolled up past her elbows, darker green short gloves, dark green trousers, and high brown boots. She has a pair of belts, each with silver painted buckles, a knife sheath suspended vertically on a left shoulder strap, and the canteen on the back of her belt is pegged in and can be removed. The outfit and body sculpt look absolutely fantastic! As for articulation, you get the same stuff as we saw with Flint, with the main difference being Lady Jaye having a ball joint under the chest rather than an ab crunch hinge.

As with Flint, you get three head sculpts, and all three use the same unpainted flesh tone plastic: Two with different expressions and one with a radio headset. The first two heads are different, but it’s really hard to differentiate the expressions they were going for. I think the second is mildly more severe, but they’re still pretty close. I think they’re both decent sculpts, but the paint around her hairline is pretty poor, with some of the sculpted hair edges left unpainted. This is a huge example of why hair should be sculpted separately from the rest of the head and it’s something that Hasbro does regularly with their much cheaper Classified JOEs. Sure, it’s a lot more noticeable when you punch in close with the camera, but still unacceptable with collector grade figures at this price range, when other companies are doing it better for less at mass retail.

The headset portrait features a mouth piece that’s about as frail as the one that came with Flint, and yet this one managed to arrive unscathed and looks fine. All three heads have some crazy hot pink lipstick, which is actually pretty accurate to the cartoon. I’d question how that’s regulation, but half the JOEs fight in sports jerseys and take their pets to work, so I won’t bother.

Whether we’re talking Real American Hero or the Sunbow cartoon, Lady Jaye had some weird weapons. In the cartoon she had a bunch of javelins with a myriad of different tips, sort of like Scarlett’s specialty tip crossbow bolts. Here, she comes with two javelins with permanent tips and one with swappable tips. You also get a quiver of tips that she wears slung over her shoulder and across her back. The quiver has a variety of tips peeking out, but these are not removable.

There’s a selection of nine different tips for the one specific javelin and I’m not even going to attempt to decipher what these are all supposed to do. They have various configurations of points and barbs and all are painted with a snappy silver finish. One is clearly a flaming tip with a translucent red flame effect on the end and there are two grapple or harpoon style tips with some string attached. I’d say this is a pretty solid representation of her trademark weapon in the cartoon.

She also comes with a nod to her vintage figure’s weapon, which was some kind of javelin missile launcher. This is cast in all gray plastic and has a removable projectile for the front. I’m just not sure why it also looks like it has a projectile coming out of the back. Like Flint’s shotgun, it’s not something I ever remember her carrying in the cartoon, but I think it’s cool that Super7 is tossing in some references to the toys as well as the cartoon. Still, I think that Hasbro had a better idea of giving Classified Lady Jaye a weapon that actually fired her javelins.

The last two entries to Lady Jaye’s arsenal are the laser rifle and the knife that can be removed from her sheath. I won’t spend any time on these, as we’ve seen the laser rifle already with Flint, and a few times before that, and while I love that the knife is removable, there just isn’t a lot for me to say about it. I’m just glad she has a rifle for when it’s time to stop clowning around with javelins and get her head in the game.

Surprisingly, Lady Jaye does not come with a walkie talkie like most of the other figures, but she does come with a camera on a shoulder strap. This is another nod to the original RAH figure and I don’t think she was ever shown with a camera in the cartoon. It’s nothing tremendously special, just cast in all black plastic and has a pistol grip. But again, it’s a nice bonus accessory that bridges the gap between cartoon and toyline and I’m happy to have it.

I really love both of these figures, but at the same time I feel as if these are the first additions to the line that aren’t complete homeruns. The decision to go with flesh tone plastic instead of paint isn’t a total deal breaker for me, but it will always make these two stand out as a bit different from the JOEs released before and after. And getting the warped and mangled headset on Flint was a major bummer, but not a big enough issue for me to do an exchange. On the upside, both figures are excellent recreations of their cartoon counterparts and there are some great accessories included with each of these releases. These originally retailed at $55 each, but can be readily found at a bunch of online retailers for half that and I would definitely recommend them at that price. With how many figures in this line are turning up at deep discounts, it’ll be interesting to see if more collectors wait for sales. Then again, I’d wager Super7 will be producing a lot less quantities of future waves, so I’ll likely keep pre-ordering. The next time I check out this line I’ll be jumping back to Wave 3 and taking a look at the Cobra Trooper!

Feb 14 2024

G. I. JOE Ultimates: Scarlett by Super7

It’s taken me a long time to get back to Super7’s Sunbow cartoon-inspired series of GI JOE Ultimates figures. So long, in fact, that a new wave has arrived before I even got to spotlight any of the second wave here. The right thing to do would be to go through all of Wave 2 before tackling the new wave, but man I was just too excited for that. So, I’m jumping ahead to check out Scarlett from Wave 3 and then I will double back and hit some figures from Wave 2, and alternate like that until I’m all caught up. Savvy? Good, then let’s check out Scarlett!

Here she is in the very stylish Super7 Ultimates packaging with some minor changes from the last two waves. The slipcase is now more of a flat, satiny finish as opposed to the glossy premium stock. This change carries over to the box itself, where Scarlett’s dog tag under the window also looks flat and less premium. It’s not a huge departure, but it’s definitely a tiny step down from what we were getting. You do still get some nice printed weathering on the sleeve and some character art on the back panel of the box. I should also note that these are no longer coming in brown cardboard mailers, but rather just plastic wrap. On the plus side, the window shows off the goods as great as ever, and oh boy am I thrilled to see a Sunbow-styled Scarlett in my collection. I remember that as a kid, cartoon Scarlett was the cause of some pretty funny feelings down in my government issued undies and somehow Hasbro’s figure, as cool as it was, never reached those heights for me. So, let’s get her out and see what we’ve got!

Sunbow Scarlett’s outfit came pretty close to the original figure’s design, with a tan one-piece, gloves and high heeled boots along with green sleeves and leggings. The figure sports a fairly minimalist look when it comes to detail, and that’s in keeping with the cartoon style. She has her familiar red recoil pad on her right shoulder, some silver shuriken and edging on her gauntlets, a wide silver belt, and some sculpted pouches on her boots. I would have liked a little more definition in her caboose, but all in all I really like what we got here when it comes to the body and outfit.

You get three different head sculpts, and while there isn’t a huge difference between them, I think the one that came on the figure is the best. She has a pretty determined look with downturned eyebrows and mouth. This is probably the face she pulls when she catches Duke making out with Selina or other random Cobra slavegirls that he rescues. The eyes are printed very nicely, and while her hot pink lipstick doesn’t quite fill out the mouth sculpt, I still think it looks pretty good. The fiery red hair and ponytail are both pitch perfect, But now is about as good a time as any to point out the ugly seam running up the sides of her neck. Yeah, that’s a shame.

The second head is a bit of a smile and some less severe, more rounded eyebrows. This one is OK, but I don’t think it has as much personality as her battle face. The third is pretty close to the first but with the addition of a headset and I do like this one. I’ve heard some people argue that it’s too specific, as the headset is meant to be used while she’s flying a Skystriker, but I think it works for just battlefield communication. Suffice it to say the first head is the one that will be displayed on my figure most of the time and it’s the one I used for the bulk of the pictures in this review.

Unless you’re new to this line, you should know by now what to expect when it comes to articulation. Love it, hate it, or just accept it. But if this is your first rodeo with Ultimates, don’t expect anything as good as the Classified line. Rotating hinges is the name of the game and you get them in the shoulders, elbows, wrists, knees, and ankles. There’s a swivel in the waist and a ball joint under the chest. The hips and neck are ball jointed, and you get some lateral rockers in the ankles. I don’t mind this articulation so much, but I do wish you got better range in the elbows. Scarlett also comes with three pairs of hands: fists, karate chopping, and gun/accessory holding. Swapping the hands requires a little more force than I would like, but other than that it works just fine.

As for accessories, well it wouldn’t be Scarlett without her trademark crossbow and you get two to choose from, along with an assortment of arrows and a quiver with a shoulder strap. The first crossbow is a short pistol-type and is similar to the one released with the vintage RAH figure. It’s an excellent sculpt and has a deep groove so that you can load it with an arrow using the fletching to anchor it in place. It works pretty well for display on the shelf, but they will fall out if you move it around a lot. Her ammo includes three normal arrows, one bomb arrow, one arrow with a really broad point, and a grapple arrow with a yellow string attached. You can comfortably fit the three regular arrows and the bomb arrow into the quiver all at one time, but the broad tipped arrow is too big and the grapple arrow takes up most of the room. Otherwise the quiver works pretty well, but I might put some blue tack inside to help hold the arrows in place.

The other crossbow is more of a rifle design with a skeletal stock and a scope. This one had some serious warping in the plastic strings, but much to my surprise a little heat straightened them out immediately. I seem to recall Sunbow Scarlett’s crossbow being a bit in between the pistol version and this, but I definitely like this one a lot. It’s not going to be an easy choice as to which one to go with most of the time.

And for when Scarlett needs a little more firepower, she comes with an M16, and I’m not sure why because I don’t remember this being a thing in the cartoon and it definitely wasn’t included with the RAH figure. It is a pretty nice toon-ified version of the iconic infantry weapon, although the barrel is very prone to bending and I had to heat it up as well to get it even close to straight. And yes, it is a little irksome that Hasbro can deliver most of the weapons in their slightly smaller scale Classified line at half the price and have them come out straight most of the time, not to mention also have detachable magazines and occasional blast effect parts. To be honest, I will likely never display Scarlett with this weapon, and I would have much rather just gotten another one of the XMLR-3A Laser Rifles that most of the JOEs used in the cartoon and that came with Snake Eyes, Duke, and Flint.

Scarlett’s final accessory is a walkie-talkie, which seems to be a popular pack-in for most of the Ultimate JOEs. Not that I’m complaining, it’s a good accessory for infantry to have. This one looks pretty cool and retro with it’s boxy design and it’s classic design speaker. The left hand that can cradle her weapons can also hold the walkie pretty well, but the elbows won’t let it get too close to her face.

Scarlett was one of my most hotly anticipated figures in the Ultimates line and she didn’t disappoint. Yes, I had a few nitpicks here and there, but certainly nothing to diminish my happiness with her. She really captures the look and spirit of the cartoon and that’s something I’ve wanted ever since I was a kid. I’m very curious to see how Hasbro’s Scarlett do-over for the Classified line turns out as that one will be a lot closer to this classic look than the figure that shipped way back in that first assortment, which had something of a Fortnite flavor to her. In the meantime, when I next visit with GI JOE Ultimates, I’ll be flipping back to Wave 2, before coming back to this third wave.

Feb 9 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: Breaker with Ram Cycle by Hasbro

There was a lot of GI JOE Classified content here leading up to Christmas, so I tried to give it a rest for at least a couple of weeks and I guess that turned into a whole month. But truth be told this line has been one of my absolute high points for collecting right now and there’s so many goodies to cover, so here we are again with another vehicle from Classified. Sure, that HasLab HISS Tank is going to be hard to beat with a mere motorcycle, but the GI JOE line has some truly iconic smaller scale vehicles that are so totally doable as retail-friendly releases. And the Ram Cycle is certainly one of them! Also, this was only the second vehicle to release in the line, so it was a pretty big deal when it did!

Yup, this one has been out for a while. So long, in fact, that it’s even been re-released as a Tiger Force repaint. But, as I’m sure you’ve heard a lot by now, a big part of 2024 for me is going to be taking care of unfinished business. FFZ has never really been about being cutting edge. I leave that to the people willing to pay triple on Ebay for stolen toys to get that FIRST IN reputation. Anyway, this set comes in a beautiful window box that shows off the toys very well. It also has the dreaded Cobra Island moniker, signifying that it was a Target Exclusive. Remember how much fun that was kids? It was actually a lot worse with the Baroness and Cobra COILS set, which I never actually saw at a Target and quickly became scalper feed, but there were eventually shelves full of the Ram Cycle, so I guess lessons were learned. Let’s start with Breaker.

Breaker dips all the way back to that initial first year of Real American Hero figures. On the one hand, I’m not sure I dig Hasbro taking figures that were originally carded releases and bundling them with vehicles, but Hasbro’s model seems to require figures with all the vehicles, so I can dig it. Also, the 2008 version of the RAM Cycle was released with a Corporal Breaker, so at least Hasbro is being consistent. The JOE Communications officer was a pretty simple figure, and this release really reflects that. You get plain green fatigues, granted with a lot of sculpted detail, black boots, rolled up sleeves, black gloves, a green wristwatch, and an absolute slab of a combat vest with sculpted pouches and black shoulder straps. The vest adds some crazy bulk to the figure, which surprisingly to me looks less obtrusive when viewed from the side than from the front. Some may balk at the relative vanilla look of this guy, but personally, I enjoy the more traditional military looking figures, and Breaker here has that in spades.

The head sculpt is really solid and presents a very classic JOE look. I’m talking classic 12-inch JOE look! You get the black beard with some back-swept hair, a prominent nose and a stoic, slightly determined stare. He definitely lacks the sleepy, dead eyes of the original RAH figure, that made me think Breaker was a stoner. On the downside, the seam that bisects his hair is kind of ugly, especially by Classified standards. Still, if Hasbro ever wanted to give this guy a camo paintjob and release him as an Adventure Team exclusive, I’d definitely be down for that.

Breaker is definitely light on the accessories, which some may blame on him being bundled with a vehicle, but in fairness the original Breaker didn’t come with a whole lot. He had a helmet, radio headset and backpack radio. Here we get the helmet and headset all in one, with the helmet repurposed as a motorcycle helmet with a visor. The helmet looks great and includes a microphone. The lack of a backpack still kind of bugs me, although a radio backpack would be kind of outdated for Classified. Maybe they could have given him a SINCGARS unit. That would have been cool. At the very least, he should have come with a pistol and holster, even if the original figure was released unarmed. Heck, Baroness got a ton of extras and she was bundled with a motorcycle as well.

Moving on to the RAM Cycle and this is an absolute beauty. As with a lot of what Classified is doing now, it takes the original design and just injects a dose of modern realism into an updated sculpt. The body is mostly cast in an olive green, which is a lot duller than the RAH toy, but adds to that more realistic look. You also get some black and gray in the mix, found in the engine, wheels, tires, exhaust, seat, and other little bits and bobs. There is some wonderful detail in the engine, a few panel lines, and some sculpted bolts. This bike looks great!

The RAM features a lot of the same markings as the original toy, this time all printed on. The MG 1027 can still be found stenciled in white on the gas tank (although I could have sworn it was MC 1027 on the original), along with the updated JOE star emblem. Other insignia and markings are present, including the American Flag.

The dash is very well detailed. I was surprised to see the gauges were actually sculpted and painted, rather than just stickers. I like the bit of added sculpting in the handlebars and you even get some extra detail on the gas cap.

The side mounted minigun adds the Rapid Fire in this Rapid Fire Motorcycle and the sidecar-type attachment also stabilizes the motorcycle so it can stand fine for display purposes. As a kid, I remember the idea of attaching a chain gun to a motorcycle sidecar was about the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I remember even my Dad being pretty impressed at the concept. Somehow I don’t think it’s real world practical, but boy is it an amazingly toyetic concept.

As we saw in the packaged shot, the minigun pod is not only removable from the cycle itself, but it can also be opened up and the gun can be removed and wielded by hand, which is so awesome. There is a flip down kickstand to stabilize the bike when the weapon pod is not attached. And yeah, I guess this would make up for the fact that Breaker doesn’t come with a pistol. About three thousand rounds a minute? That’s what I call communication!

And Breaker does indeed sit quite nicely on the bike and looks damn good on it! His hands can grip the handle bars and his feat peg into the pedals. His butt does hover a bit off the seat, but that’s fine. There’s even enough room for a second rider if they don’t mind getting cozy.

One of the cool things about the Real American Hero line was the wide range of vehicles and playsets. For every wallet-busting USS FLAGG there was a small and affordable toy like The RAM Cycle that let kids actually save up allowance and add to their toychest. Granted, the Classified version is bigger and pricier, but it still feels like a decent enough value when you bundle in the figure. The sculpt here is excellent and the added feature of the removable minigun adds tons of play value. It’s a little tougher to find at a decent price these days, but well worth it if you can hunt one down.

Dec 29 2023

G. I. JOE Classified: Snow Serpent by Hasbro

It’s the last review of the year and final installment of my little Snow Joe Trilogy! I had originally hoped to get all these in before Christmas, but that clearly didn’t happen. But it’s still December and the wintery theme is still appropriate, so let’s do this! So far, I’ve checked out Snow Job and the Arctic BAT, and today we’re headed back into the icy tundra and having a look at Cobra’s predators of the winter wonderland: The Snow Serpent!

Like Snow Job, this guy is a Deluxe, which means he comes in a bigger box, costs more, and has a beefier inventory of accessories. The original Snow Serpents were released somewhere around 1985/86 and I was lucky enough to have one of these fellas to fight Snow Job. But he really just snuck in at the point where I stopped playing with toys a lo and very well may have been among the last GI JOE figures I got as a kid. I remember being really confused at how the filecard lumped these Serpents in with the Cobra Eels. I get that they’re both specialists, but it basically stated that Snow Serpents were just Eels with additional cold weather training. I quickly tossed out that idea. But I did like the fact that these guys were considered some of Cobra’s absolute elite troopers.

And here he is kitted out with most of his gear. Hasbro really played it close to the original figure on this one, and I’m loving it! The white fatigues are reinforced with sculpted fur around the neck, shoulders, and forearms with just a little yellow added to these to give the fur some natural color. The blue torso rig is blue with a T-7A style parachute pack across his front, and he has matching blue thigh rigs with holsters for his sidearms. There are insignia markings on both biceps and he has a pair of white removable snow shoes, which much to my surprise are different than the ones that came with Snow Job. This is a great looking figure and I expect the Real American Hero purists are going to love it! Or maybe they won’t. They can be a fickle lot.

The head sculpt also follows the original figure’s design beat for beat, but with a lot more detail. The helmet is white with silver caps over the ears. The black face mask has sculpted breather vents, and the goggles have a very vintage, almost WWII look about them, right down to the lovely orange rust spray around them. He also has a pair of blue tinted goggles, which can be worn up on top of the helmet, or pulled down over the goggles in the mask.

The Snow Serpent’s backpack may look familiar, and that’s because it’s a straight repaint of the one that came with Bazooka. This time it’s black frame with an off-white pouch. It has four slots to clip in the included bazooka rounds and there’s are two hooks on the bottom so he can store the bazooka across his butt. The bazooka is also the same one that came with David K. with some gray paint added to this mostly black tube of terror. The back piece can swivel open and you can load in the rounds. The bazooka is a stand in for the EK99 Anti-Tank missile that came with the original figure, which might irk some vintage fans, but I think it’s a great substitute and it even gives the Snow Serpent three more shots.

As for the rest of his ordinance, the Snow Serpent comes with a matched set of automatic pistols and a small combat knife. The pistols are nicely detailed, cast in all black, and have holes in the barrels for effect parts (not included). The knife is nothing special, and in what might be a Classified first, there is nowhere specific to store the knife on his person, unless you just want to tuck it into some of those thigh straps.

For something better than pistols and not as overstated as a bazooka round, the Snow Serpent has a fairly traditional looking AR-style rifle with a carry bar and a removable magazine. It’s a departure from the AK-style weapon of the original figure, but it’s a great sculpt and realistic looking, so I’m cool with that.

And we’re not done yet, because he also comes with this smaller grease gun-style sub-machine gun. It has a scope and a removable magazine and it reminds me of the weapons the Cobra troops often carried in the Sunbow cartoon, so naturally I love this one too! Like the pistols, both of these weapons have holes in the barrels to accommodate whatever effect parts you might have lying around.

If you want to give your Snow Serpents an upgraded look, Hasbro included a sculpted gray wolf pelt for some extra warmth and added intimidation factor. I can’t say I prefer this look, but it is a really nice option. The whole wolfy ensemble is made up of a head piece and a cape that pegs into the back and has the two front paws hanging over the shoulders. It’s kind of ghoulish for a Hasbro toy, but it looks really bad ass. There is a peg hole in the pelt so you could technically put the backpack on behind it, but it doesn’t work that well, but it makes sense that not every Snow Serpent would be toting a bazooka so if you have more than one, you can mix and match..

Finally, the Snow Serpent comes with a Cobra branded snowboard, and this is a really fun accessory. There are slots and pegs for the figure’s feet and he stays on it really well. There’s a raised Cobra emblem on the top and some digital camo and the Snow Serpent insignia on the back. Just imagine having five wolfman with sub-machine guns speed into your camp at the dead of night shouting COBRA! Holy shit!

Pretty much every Cobra army builder in Classified has been a direct hit for me, but I feel like these Snow Serpents raise the bar even a bit higher. Everything gels so perfectly to make this an incredibly fun figure. The selection of equipment is excellent, and the sheer amount of accessories certainly justifies the Deluxe price point. I picked up two of these, so I will be displaying one with the wolf pelt and one kitted out with the bazooka. I’d love to get two more, but I’m really trying to be good about not doing any more army building. With this pair and the Arctic BAT patrolling the tundra, Snow Job is going to need some reinforcements. We need a Classified Frostbite, STAT, but that probably wouldn’t happen without a HasLab Snowcat. Count me in!

Dec 25 2023

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part II

Merry Christmas everyone! If you didn’t check in yesterday, I kicked off a two-part look at the HasLab HISS on Christmas Eve. I like to try to celebrate Christmas by featuring a big toy or playset most years. You know, the kind that we would only have a chance of getting on that biggest of toy gifting days! I had a few contenders this year, but wound up pushing the HasLab HISS to the front of the line, because oh boy, I would have lost my little mind if I found something like this under the tree! In Part I, I covered the four included figures and today we’re going to tackle the HISS Tank itself. This big boi was a challenge to shoot, as I’m still working out the kinks on a bigger staging area, so apologies if the photos look rough. I’m going to start with some generalizations with the toy more or less straight out of the box, and then we’ll kit it out and take a tour around it!

First off, the HISS is suitably big without being obnoxiously huge, and the build quality is fantastic with only the act of attaching the canopy making me a little nervous. Just about everything about this toy and its features reflects careful thought and design. I’m also happy to report that the profile and general look of Cobra’s new Classified High Speed Sentry is as iconic as ever! There are few display options for the HISS, thanks to some of the mix-and-match parts, but when you take it out of the box and attach the guns and canopy, it’s extremely true to the original toy design, if that’s the look you’re going for. You get two options for the canopy: A simple clear one for that vintage look, and a modern one with red trim and opening gull-wing side hatches. These attach similarly to the way the vintage one did, by squeezing two nubs into the holes so pressure holds it in place and creates a hinge. There is no way I feel comfortable doing this more than once, so I decided to pick a canopy and stick with it, and I went with the modern one because I just think it looked cooler and more premium. It also makes it more convenient for the Driver to pay tolls and go pick up fast food at Drive-Thru windows. I’m not saying that you can’t safely swap these out without stressing or breaking the plastic, but I’m just not willing to try it.

The bulk of the toy is cast in black plastic with not a lot of paint on the main body, apart from some subtle black and gray striping. The bare plastic looks good, but it does tend to show finger prints here and there. You do get some dry brush weathering on the cannon, which looks like they have seen a lot of use. There is a sticker sheet included to customize the tank, but it also has all the markings it needs printed on it, so I won’t be messing with the stickers at all. The sculpted detail feels about right in line with the vintage toy with just a little more added for the bigger scale. These include panel lines, rivets, hatches, and the like. The front headlights and rear tail lights feature electronics, and I’ll take a look at those in a bit. The cannon turret rotates 360-degrees and uses the same tab-key system as the original toy, keeping it locked in until the tab lines up with the slot and then it will come out. One of my only nitpicks on this whole toy is that the turret doesn’t rotate as smoothly as I would have liked. The treads are rubber and do actually work, allowing for a pretty smooth roll. There is a folding tail hitch on the back, which will hopefully be used by a future SMS release, and oh boy is that going to look awesome!

And here’s a quick size comparison with one of the recent re-issued 3 3/4-inch scale HISS toys… Now, let’s start getting this thing ready for battle!

First off, you get two options for armor plating on the wheel assemblies. These plates peg in very easily and help to keep the damned JOEs from blowing holes in your wheels. The first gives you something closes to the original toy, but I’ll stick with the second more detailed one, as I’m going for the most modern look I can get. There’s some nice red paint on the vertical slats and some gray and light gray striping, as well as some more markings printed in blue and white. These look awesome!

You can also attach an extra armor plate on the turret between the cannon barrels, and this is another addition that I really love. I can’t imagine anyone enjoys sitting up there and getting shot at, so at least this shield adds some forward protection. It has some sculpted bolts and a raised cobra emblem, which looks great. It also helps that the Gunner is the smallest of the figures, so at least she presents the smallest target and can more easily hunker down behind that armor shield.

Hasbro has also included a pair of articulated miniguns to the sides of the gunning station. There are also optional ammo canisters for these, but I’m not crazy about the way they look and they make it even more busy in that turret, so I will leave them off. The miniguns can rotate as well as hinge up and down. It’s a lot of firepower for one person, so I’d like to think that the miniguns have some kind of autonomous motion tracking option, with the gunner taking control of them only when targets of opportunity get too close for the main cannon. Either way, giving the HISS some broadside and rear attacking capabilities is a wonderful upgrade! Just don’t shoot them behind you if you’ve got troops riding on the tailgate!

Another added bit of firepower is the chin gun. This whole assembly is beautifully detailed and plugs right into the socket under the nose of the tank. It’s a strong connection, but it is designed to be removed if you want to change things up. It has full rotation and can hinge up and down. There are some lovely paint details on this, including some red and silver accents and some metallic purple on the barrels to show a little stress from firing. You also get some crisp Cobra emblems printed on the sides. It’s another modern touch to the HISS that I will be keeping on all the time!

As I mentioned earlier, the modern cockpit has gullwing hatches that open on either side. It would be a tight fit to extract the figure through these, but in reality, I’m sure the Driver could scramble through them if the canopy malfunctioned and the Tank was about to blow.

The interior of the cockpit is phenomenal with a five-point harness that fastens with a peg behind the Cobra buckle. The seat cushions are textured, and there’s a control yoke on the right arm rest and a throttle on the left. The Driver fits in perfectly and the straps to the harness can pull out and feed back into the slots to help make it snug after he’s seated.

The detailed dashboard has light up screens, as well as a translucent Heads Up Display. You also get a cool light that floods the cabin in an eerie red glow. This is without a doubt one of the coolest cockpits for any vehicle that i own.

There’s a removable engine access cover just behind the cockpit so you can give the HISS a tune up between missions.

There are two access ladders that fold down from the sides to help the Gunner or Driver get into position. These are cast in red plastic and I love how they close and secure into the recessed compartments. There are also grab bars located at the top to help a figure hang on.

There are no pegs on the rear deck plate, but there is a railing up top, so you can still have some troops riding on the back. They stay put pretty well when gripping the rail. Two fit comfortably, and you could even squeeze in a third in pinch. That will come in handy when the set of HISS Fire Team figures arrives. Although, I can’t deny that the regular troops look best on the back. I remember as a kid how badly I wanted an extra Cobra Trooper so I could have a couple on the back of my HISS.

The back of the HISS has a fold down ramp to open up the interior for access to The Tactician’s area. Here, there’s a Cobra-themed seat and a weapons rack on the wall across from it. When you drop the boarding ramp, it triggers a red interior light. It’s admittedly pretty cramped quarters in there, but it’s still a great addition to the HISS design. While I do like the weapons rack, I think I would have preferred to get a computer and instrument bank on that wall, or better yet have an option between the two. But, I suppose the Tactician can use his wrist device for computing firing solutions and mapping waypoints and the like, so maybe it isn’t necessary.

If you want even more firepower on your HISS, Hasbro included a pair of six-pack missile launchers and these look absolutely brutal! There are two holes with flip up hatches on the sides of the HISS that these plug into. The individual missiles are removable, the launcher assembly can angle up or down, and even extend out when they are ready to fire. I love the way these things look, but I’m thinking these should be reserved as a load out for special missions. They definitely make for a great variant if you were lucky enough to get more than one of these babies.

The external electronics include light up headlamps with an array of red lights between the top lights and a projector between the bottom lights that paints a red Cobra emblem on the ground in front of the tank. You also get red tail lights on the back. A lot of times, I can take or leave electronic features in toys, and will usually advocate for leaving them out to control costs, but I have to admit that I really do enjoy most of the lighting features on the HISS. The headlamps are nice and bright and really give the toy a premium feel, as do the red tactical lights in the rear compartment and cockpit, and the light up dashboard. I thought the Cobra projection was kind of cheesy and, while it is admittedly a really neat effect, I haven’t really changed my mind on that.

Hasbro absolutely hit it out of the park with this release! It’s not the biggest vehicle to ship this year, as it’s still dwarfed by Super7’s Thundertank or McFarlane’s Batwing, but it is as big as it needs to be and it is just packed with great options and well executed features. What’s more, the build quality is superb and the electronics really enhance the toy rather than feel like a needless extra. This feels like a rugged and proper high end toy, rather than just an expensive display piece. I have had it parked on my coffee table since I got it and I find myself constantly playing around with it as I’m watching TV or listening to podcasts and music. It really is that much fun and all I can say is that if the Dragonfly turns out half as good, I may lose my damn mind when it arrives. Of course, all of this should be the case because at $300, this toy wasn’t cheap. And in case you can’t tell from my ramblings, I consider it money well spent. Especially if you factor in the four figures that would have run about $25 a pop at retail and the Cobra Commander is going for upward of $100 himself on the aftermarket. It would be cool if Hasbro could put together a stripped down budget version of this beauty at a retail-friendly price point. but I don’t see that happening.

And all that’s left is for me to wish you all a Merry Christmas and extend my warmest thanks for stopping by and spending a little bit of your holiday with me. I’ll be back on Wednesday and Friday with the last reviews of 2023 and then we can kick off the New Year on Monday. Be safe and be well!

Dec 24 2023

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part I

It’s Christmas Eve and it’s time for my semi-annual “If-I-Have-Time-For-It” Super-Special Christmas Review. I like to squeeze these in on the years when time allows, and check out something extra big or cool or both. Growing up, Christmas for me was all about hoping to get that one big playset or toy vehicle that I could never have hoped to get any other time of the year. Yes, there were some toy wants out there that even outclassed a mere birthday. But on Christmas? Well, anything was possible on Christmas! And coincidentally, the HasLab Classified Cobra HISS Tank arrived a short while ago, and I knew I had to put this under the proverbial tree for this year’s Christmas Review. I’m breaking this review up into two parts, so today we’ll check out the figures that were included and tomorrow we’ll have a look at the HISS Tank itself.

To the unaware, HasLab is the moniker Hasbro uses for their big crowdfunded projects. These are solicited releases that are considered too big and expensive to get retail space. They show off the toy, set a price, and let you know how many backers they need to make it a reality. So, it’s basically a pre-order, but if not enough people pre-order it, then it doesn’t get made. It’s a bit controversial, as many will tell you that the second largest toy company in the world shouldn’t have to resort to these tactics. Maybe so, and I do reckon there are some sketchy things behind it, but if I see one I like, I back it. So far I’ve backed four: The Mandalorian Razor Crest, which I have not yet reviewed here, but someday. The giant Marvel Legends Galactus figure, this HISS Tank, and the GI JOE Dragonfly Helicopter, which is currently in production. The HISS comes in a big box to hold this 6-inch scale tank with some beautiful artwork on the box, and some assembly required for the HISS and all it’s parts. You also get a separate box inside which has the four individually packaged figures that were included with the project: Cobra Commander, The HISS Driver, The HISS Gunner, and The HISS Tactician. Let’s start with the Classic Cobra Commander…

Only not really, because I’m not going to open this guy just yet. Sorry, but I’m betting we are going to get a wide release variant and so for now I’m leaving him carded. We got a Classified version of Cobra Commander a while back, and it was a pretty good figure, but Hasbro decided to offer a more classic version of him for this HasLab project. For the record, I think that was an awful idea, because you shouldn’t bundle figures this important and desirable with expensive and limited vehicles and playsets. But, since they gave him the infamous Mickey Mouse misprint on his chest emblem, I would bet that we’re going to see him as a wide release with that emblem fixed, thus allowing this one to still be an exclusive and yet still allow the figure to be had by all. I’ll just say that the figure looks great, he has some cool accessories, and the card is magnificent. Hopefully we’ll get confirmation of a retail release before my willpower gives out and I tear this one open.

The HISS crew all come in fully enclosed boxes, numbered 99-101. While the boxes are similar to the regular Classified releases, the artwork is specialized to make them stand out as unique. You get the Cobra HISS logo at the top of each peg flap and a red tint to the lettering and artwork. The Tactician even has a Ron Rudat facsimile signature on the front, which is a pretty cool way to commemorate the 100th figure in the series. Rudat, of course, being a legendary designer who logged something like three decades at Hasbro before moving on to other things. Each figure comes in a cardboard tray with an illustrated back along with a cardboard foot locker containing their accessories sealed in a branded tissue bag. Let’s start with the Driver!

This guy is based very closely on the vintage figure that was bundled with the original Real American Hero HISS Tank, and he looks damn sharp! He dons familiar red fatigues with an armored chest and shoulder piece with a blue front shield and a bold silver Cobra emblem. This rig is actually worn by the figure with soft plastic straps holding it in place under his arms and across his back. The shoulder piece is painted with a rich and glossy red that stands out against the duller matte finish of the fatigues. He has a sculpted belt with some blue accents to the buckle, a molded holster strapped to his right thigh and some serious kicks in the form of thigh high armored boots. These have a chonky angular design and a high gloss black finish. The HISS Driver is probably the most iconic Cobra vehicle operator to me and this figure offers a fantastic update to that classic design.

The helmet really hasn’t changed much at all. It features the silver visor and featureless black faceplate. There’s a mohawk-like crest ridge on the top and an stylized snake head in the center. The generic and impersonal nature of the helmet always made this guy seem extra intimidating to me. The helmet has a lovely gloss finish, but the paint on the top edge of my figure’s visor could have been a bit sharper.

A new addition to the design is this cool control device on the right arm. It has a bit of a Fallout Pipboy kind of vibe with arrays of buttons and a display screen. I imagine it can be used for everything from communicating with the HISS crew to receiving data. How about a less useful addition…

Boxing gloves? The HISS Driver comes with a pair of fists, but these are enlarged and reinforced face punchers. I honestly don’t get these at all. Is it some reference that I’m missing? I don’t know, but it’s a weird thing to give a Tank Driver. I guess if his tank gets disabled he comes out swinging? Yeah, these are going into The Dreaded Tote of Forgotten Accessories. Regardless, articulation on this fella is right in line with what we’ve been seeing in Classified up to this point, even including crunches in the shoulders. His joints feel good and he’s fun to play with.

The HISS Driver comes with a standard automatic pistol as a sidearm. This trusty weapon has some great detail in the sculpt and it’s nice and compact. The barrel has a hole if you want to use some effect parts from other Classified releases, but there weren’t any included here.

He also includes this rather unique sub-machine gun. I’m not usually a big fan of these crazy modern gun designs, but this one is kind of cool. It has a rather large detachable magazine, a very short barrel, and a fixed bayonet, which is painted silver. On the downside, the design makes it really tough to get it into his hand, making me wish for something a bit more practical. But, minor quibbles about accessories aside, I’m pleased with what Hasbro did with this design. It pays homage to the vintage figure, while giving it a little shot of modernity. Not bad for a figure that’s going to spend most of his life in a cockpit. Next up… The Tactician!

I won’t spend nearly as much time on The Tactician, because he’s just a straight repaint of the HISS Driver right down to the accessories. The Tactician’s suit is mostly black with some red paint on the shoulders and the front panels of the lower boots. The belt is red and the Cobra emblem is red. The only thing left unchanged from the Driver is the helmet. I wasn’t really excited for this figure, but now that he’s in hand, I think he looks great, and it only occurred to me that his deco is such a close match for the HISS Tank itself, being mostly black with some red trim.

The pistol and rifle each have a lick of red paint to personalize them a bit, and yes he comes with boxing gloves too.

In my mind, The Tactician is just Cobra’s name for Tank Commander, so this guy will sit inside the bowels of the HISS and relay orders and run the show. Like the Driver he’s got one of those fancy wrist computers, so I’d like to think he can use that to receive new data, and bark his orders to the Driver and Gunner. The Driver will always be the iconic face of the HISS, but I love that Hasbro created this guy. Sure, the concept isn’t original, but he may be one of my favorite additions that Classified has made to Cobra canon.

And finally, we have The Gunner, who is basically a female version of The Driver with all the same beats on the uniform design, but in a slighter female build. As a result, you can interchange her with the official Driver if you want. As we’ll see tomorrow The Gunner fits fine in the cockpit, but it would be a bit more roomy for this lady. On the other hand, she makes for less of an easy target for GI JOE sharpshooters while she’s exposed up in that turret. I think the uniform translates well to this body and all the same wonderful sculpted details are present. She also shares the same articulation in the arms, including the shoulder crunches. It’s a nice surprise to have none of that single rotating hinge elbow nonsense here! The same wrist device is present here as well, so she can communicate with her teammates or work out firing solutions.

Unlike her peers, The Gunner gets a whole new head sculpt, and I’m not just talking a smaller lady head, but it has some subtle changes, including added detail to the face mask, which is interesting. Instead of being completely smooth, you get a defined stipe down the center in line with her nose and some angled vents on each side of where her mouth is. The forehead emblem is also angular here and she has sculpted disks over her ears. I’m not sure what purposes the variations serve on the female helmet, but it’s cool to get some additional detail in the sculpt.

The Gunner shares the same weapons as her two teammates, with the pistol and rifle being painted exactly the same as The Driver’s.

And yes, she even comes with the reinforced fists, which don’t look as enlarged as the ones included with the Driver and Tactician. They actually look like normal fists with a bit of reinforcement over the knuckles.

You want more guns? How about this kick ass tactical shotgun with a removable drum magazine! Damn, this thing is really sweet. You get some sharp sculpting on the rails and the foregrip, and the shells in the drum are individually painted. Very nice!

And we’re not done yet, because she also comes with a couple of melee weapons: An entrenching tool and a pick-axe-hammer and these are a bit of a poser to me. The entrenching tool kind of makes sense, as you might need to dig under the tank to repair the tread, but the hammer-pick-axe just looks like some kind of crazy Dreadnok weapon. Also, I’m not sure why there looks like a bite has been taken out of the shovel. Weird!

And that’s the HISS Tank crew and I must say I dig them a lot. The Driver is pretty much a perfect update to the vintage figure, which was always a favorite of mine. And doing the Gunner as basically just a female version of the same figure lets me swap her out as Driver if I want to change things up. I also like that the Tactician is repainted to set him apart from his subordinates, and the fact that his uniform color coordinates with the tank is both hilarious and awesome. The boxing gloves are pretty weird, as are the melee weapons, but I don’t hate them. Also, the choice to give The Gunner, the one unique sculpted figure in this set, all the extras wouldn’t have made much sense if these were individual retail releases, but as a group I guess it doesn’t matter. And now that we have the crew together, it’s time to get to sleep and see if Santa leaves them a big tank under the tree for them to crew!

Have a happy and peaceful Christmas Eve, everyone, and I hope to see you back here in the morning!

Dec 22 2023

G. I. JOE Classified Arctic B.A.T. by Hasbro

Well, if snowy battlefields haven’t gotten you into the Christmas spirit yet, you better get festive fast, because ready or not, it’s right around the corner. So welcome to the second stop in my snowy Yuletide GI JOE trifecta. This blizzard of military Christmas spirit started on Monday with a look at Snow Job, and today I’m having a look at Cobra’s specialized Arctic Battle Android Trooper. Because… the regular BATs get too cold when they go out in the snow? OK, maybe these are equipped with more anti-freeze and wear chains on their boots. Either way, let’s bundle up and check him out!

This is not the first appearance of an Arctic BAT here on FFZ, that honor went to this guy way back in 2015 as part of Hasbro’s 50th Anniversary line, so the idea of BATs specialized for Arctic conditions is not exactly new. I do indeed love me some Cobra BATs! They were introduced into the Sunbow cartoon to give the JOEs an enemy they could shoot and “kill” without any actual bloodshed because they are just machines. I dig the Classified BAT design a lot, and boy have I amassed a fair number of them! As a result, I pre-ordered a few of these new Arctic BATs from different retailers. One arrived before the others shipped, and that was sure lucky, because after getting this guy in hand, I promptly cancelled the rest. Read on and find out why this guy left me cold. Sorry…

So, the Arctic BAT is built off the same body as the regular BAT, and that’s fine. It makes sense as this is presumably just a tweaked variant and to be fair, Hasbro did a lot to personalize this figure. In addition to the suit being painted white, the boots are now gray with some snappy silver paint and you get more of that silver paint on the arms, which were left matte gray on the regular version. There are two thigh rigs added, one of which has an integral holster, there’s a new belt piece with some pouches, and you also get two new pieces of shoulder armor strapped around his biceps. The backpack is recycled from the regular BAT but cast in gray plastic now, and as we’ll see, it really serves no purpose here.

The stock head is similar to the regular BAT, but painted white and with a cool looking polarized shield as a visor. Oddly enough, it’s even advertised with printing on the side of the helmet. This sort of protection is usually to help against eye strain, so I’m not sure why the robot needs it. I guess UV-blocking screen would be helpful if the BAT is transmitting back video or pictures in order to improve their quality. Sure why not… let’s go with that.

The alternate head is a lot cooler to me. It’s got a cyclops-like central dome camera with an array of red sensors surrounding it. There’s also a grill for what I suppose is a speaker. This design really strides the line between looking functional and cool for the sake of looking cool. If I were army building these guys, I would use this head as the squad leader. Also, much to my chagrin, this head will not fit on my regular BATs, as the balls are different sizes, which really surprised and irked me, because I would have totally given this head to one of my regular BATs to make him some kind of specialist.

You also get three different chest plates to choose from. The regular one with the Cobra emblem is the one I’ve been using for most of the photos so far. It’s the same basic design as the one on the regular BATs, just painted white. Likewise, you get a repaint of the damaged plate, which has some cracks and a big dent. I remain rather lukewarm on these armor chest plates, as the visible circuitry from the classic BAT design is just so iconic to me.

The third option is like a tactical vest with some utility pouches sculpted in and I actually like this one the best, mainly because the other two are constantly falling out. I’m not sure why, as I don’t have that problem on my regular BATs and it should all be the same mold, but it’s pretty annoying and this one stays put pretty well. I also think it looks good with the second head, and makes the figure look more distinctive. The exposed circuitry in the chest compartment is painted with a bright metallic blue with some of the larger components painted black. I really like how they sculpted detail into the inside of the chest plate as well.

You get the same style pistol that came with the regular BATs, but here the holster is swapped, so now he wears it on the right hip. I like this gun design a lot, and he can hold it well in either of his robotic arms.

And you get this big rifle, and I flippin’ hate this thing. It didn’t come wrapped in cardboard, so the barrel on mine is bent right out of the box. The design is just stupidly huge and awkward and the strap is really annoying and cumbersome and I may just snip it off. The only cool things here is the bottom frame hinges down to replace what I guess is a battery magazine that charges the rifle. I’m assuming it’s meant to be a directed energy weapon, because it doesn’t look like it takes regular ammo. Also, there’s a hinged bipod and the suppressor can be removed from the tip of the barrel. Either way, this thing is getting pitched into the dreaded Storage Tote of Forgotten Accessories, never to be seen again.

The exclusive new weapon attachment is a chainsaw and it looks as bad ass as you might imagine a robot with a chainsaw for a hand would look. Unfortunately, you only get the one weapon attachment, which I think is really cheap on Hasbro’s part. Sure they did some new sculpting for this figure, but they also saved a lot because the whole body is recycled, so I don’t think it’s asking much to pack in the same weapon attachments that came with the regular BATs, or heck at least include the claw. The lack of extras is driven home by the fact that the recycled weapon storage backpack serves almost no purpose. The chainsaw does not fit in the top storage slots and if you peg it into the side it just falls right out. So really the only thing the backpack is used for is to store whichever hand the chainsaw is replacing.

Alas, this release is mostly a miss for me, and wow does it feel strange being disappointed with a Classified figure. That almost never happens! It’s doubly weird, considering how much of this figure is borrowed from a genuinely great one. I’ll concede that the core figure is fine, but there are so many little other things that bug me about it, I’m sure glad I only got stuck with the one. Why don’t the regular chest plates stay on? Why can’t I store the chainsaw in the backpack? Why do you have a big stupid looking NERF rifle? Fortunately, the chainsaw is compatible with my regular BATs, so one of those guys will inherit it and this sucker can go pound snow. So, we’ve hit a bit of a downer in this trilogy of reviews, let’s hope we can end on a high note next week when I check out the Snow Serpent.

In the meantime, swing back here on Christmas Eve, as I will be kicking off a two-part review for Christmas! Or should I say, Christ-HISS! Eh? Seriously, please come back.

Dec 8 2023

G. I. JOE Classified: Croc Master and Fiona by Hasbro

I’ve mentioned a few times before that Classified is moving into lesser known territory for me and starting to release figures based on characters that came out after I had sort of grown out of GI JOE. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m not familiar with these characters, indeed I wound up picking up the 25th Anniversary figures of a lot of them as an adult collector. It just means that I don’t have the same childhood nostalgia for these. And Croc Master definitely fits that bill. Cobra’s reptile trainer first hit the shelves around 1987-88. I was 15 and my life was all about watching Star Trek and Doctor Who, and less about playing with toys. He was also too late to be featured in the Sunbow cartoon, so as cool as he was, he was an unknown to me. But that’s not to say I’m not absolutely chuffed to get him!

Croc Master, founder of the ill-conceived “let’s use giant reptiles instead of dogs for security as a business model” Guard Gators, Inc., comes as a Deluxe set in a big window box and bundled with Fiona, his pet croc and a bunch of accessories. This set makes a good argument in favor of the window boxes, because you really do get to see all the cool stuff you’re getting in here and the toys look great against the crimson Cobra artwork printed on the cardboard backer. Let’s take a look at Croc Master first…

Oh yeah! By 1987 Cobra was really committing to becoming a right bunch of glorious weirdos. Maybe they were just embracing their newly discovered Cobra-La origins. Either way, Croc Master is practically the poster child for this new Cobra, looking every bit like DC Comics’ Bane with a reptile fetish. This guy is jacked and more than a little bit terrifying. His croc-skinned onesie is punctuated in the middle by a silver and yellow belt with one giant croc eye painted on the buckle. He’s got black trousers, reptile boots, and a brown holster and sheath strapped to his legs. One bold silver arm bracer is locked around his right forearm while a coiled reptile skin one adorns his left. I really dig the sculpted Cobra medallion on his chest and the painting and detail on the croc skin shirt is just superbly done. You can call him goofy, but don’t try to tell me you wouldn’t be shitting your pants if this guy came running at you in the middle of a swamp.

The head sculpt really drives home that Bane flavor. Croc Master has a form-fitting black hood with a giant silver breather mask covering his mouth and nose. There’s a black hose that leads off the side and connects to a horizontal canister across his back. Maybe this is oxygen so he can lie in wait under the water, but I’d like to think that this is just so he can breath horrible swamp gas wherever he goes. The deep crimson eyes contribute nicely to the intimidation factor here.

Croc’s more normal accessories consist of a fighting knife and a pistol, each of which can be stored on his person in the sheath and holster. The pig-sticker is mostly bare gray plastic, but it does have some green paint on the wrapped handle, giving it a bit of personality.

The pistol is a beefy, all black magnum revolver, which I think suits him pretty well. It’s fun to imagine that when he pulls this and shoots you, he’s just going for the knees because he wants you alive and screaming when his crocs eat you.

Similarly, his giant hook is likely embedded into your flesh so he can drag you back to the Croc Pens, Leatherface style, and drop you in. Yeah, this was a great idea for an accessory! There are a lot of horror elements tied up with this guy.

And his final accessory is a big coiled whip. This is a cool accessory, but I find it disappointing to think that Croc Master whips his beloved crocs. Then again, he is a bad guy, so he probably does. The whip is cast in soft plastic, but it pretty much stays with the end coiled up, which works better for posing than it does play.

And then there’s Fiona, which is a hell of a pack in, as it uses more plastic than Croc Master himself. And hey, if you’re in the market for a 6-inch scale croc, Fiona is the girl for you! The sculpted detail on this beast is absolutely gorgeous with every inch of her covered in scales or rough textured skin. Her legs are articulated with rotating hinges at the ankles and again where they meet the body. She also has points at the base of the tail and at the neck.

Of course, the upper jaw is articulated and she can open up nice and wide to better showcase those lovely teeth. Look at them snappers! This is an all around amazing toy and I can pretty much guarantee that my Hasbro Indiana Jones will be meeting Fiona at some point or another.

Croc also has a spiked collar and leash for Fiona. The whole thing is cast in soft plastic and the collar fits right over her head so he can better keep her under control.

And last but not least, Hasbro threw in too little baby crocs: One green and one albino! These are just simple static pieces, but oh so damn adorable! Why did they bother including these? I don’t know, but I’m glad they did!

Croc Master was released quite a while ago, so he’s one of those figures that has been languishing on my backlog for bit. I’m glad I finally got around to opening him, because this is an absolutely killer set, no pun intended. Croc Master himself is a fun design with some great paint and detail, but Fiona comes pretty close to stealing the show here while offering a lot of crossover potential for other toy lines in this scale. He was originally released at around $40, which is a damn fine value for what you’re getting, but nowadays you can find him for even less online. At some point, he may even drop low enough for me to pick up a second set just for another Fiona!

Nov 29 2023

G. I. JOE Classified: Buzzer by Hasbro

One thing I was very thankful for this past Thanksgiving week was the arrival of some choccy donut chomping, grape soda slurping ruffians in the form of some Classified Dreadnoks. Well, at least Buzzer and Ripper. And as the great philsopher Meat Loaf once said, two outta three ain’t bad. Even as I was starting to drift away from GI JOE around 85 and 86, Zartan and the Dreadnoks captured my imagination, mostly thanks to their wonderful debut in the Revenge of Cobra miniseries. Boy was I excited for these guys in Classified!

Buzzer comes in the now standard plastic-free fully enclosed box. Word is that Hasbro is going back to window boxes, but so far I’ve only seen evidence of that with the upcoming release of the Deluxe Mutt and Junkyard set. I’ve said before I like this packaging and I’d be happy if they stuck with it, but chances are I’ll only be keeping the cardboard footlockers and eventually ditching the boxes. Buzzer was my favorite of the original three Dreadnoks, but I couldn’t write you an argument as to why I favored him as a kid. I just did, and still do.

And just as I hoped and expected, Classified Buzzer hits all the familiar beats of the original RAH figure with enough added detail to bring him up to date with modernity. The khaki button down has ragged cuts where the sleeves were and a plunging neckline to show his manly hooligan chesticles. You get a right side shoulder strap with some sculpted grenades, one pineapple and one cannister, and these look almost good enough to fool me into thinking they’re removable. He has a badge and some dog tags on the left side of his chest, brown gloves, a wristwatch, and just check out that bitchin’ silver skull and crossbones belt buckle. So cool! The trousers are blue, he has thigh armor with integral holster and sheath, knee guards, and some kicking brown boots. The sculpt here is great and while the colors are a bit more muted than the RAH figure, the deco still works as a faithful homage.

The wrist watch is on a wide band and it’s removable. I also dig the tattoo on his left bicep. The tat is a beautiful update to the simple stamp on the RAH figure and it’s been relocated from the front of the bicep to the side, which feels more appropriate.

The head sculpt is also excellent even if I feel it strays quite a bit from the vintage influences. There’s a wee bit more Sunbow in here and a good bit of James Marsters as Spike from the Buffy TV series, and I sure ain’t hating it. He’s got some chiseled lines in his sunken cheeks, a cleft chin, and a prominent brow. His blonde hair is sculpted in a tight fashion, pulled into a ponytail in the back. This portrait works more as a dangerous villain than the clowning hooligan from the cartoon and I dig it a lot. And then there are the glasses…

For a company that gave us some absolutely incredibly 6-inch scale specs in the Indiana Jones line, these are kind of rough and disappointing. And it’s not that they look bad, but they just don’t fit the figure well, nor do they stay on. And that’s because there’s no design mechanism to keep them in place. They’re sort of supposed to tuck behind the ears, but they really don’t. The best I could get was for the left arm be flush with the head and the right arm popping off to the side. I may wind up gluing these to the figure and if I do that I’ll hope to pick up a second Buzzer on clearance down the road. Either way, this should have been done better. With that said, let’s check out his weaponry… And we’ll start big and work our way down…

They don’t call him Buzzer for nothing! This malicious miscreant comes with his trademark chainsaw. It’s a menacing looking bit of hardware with a black casing and silver blade. The casing and motor has some really nice sculpted detail, as does the chain on the blade. The final piece is missing some of the silver paint hits shown on the package rendering, but it does add some flat gray plastic parts, which I think makes up for it. Buzzer’s left hand isn’t quite positioned perfectly to make use of the grab bar, but he can make it work. The only thing disappointing here is that he doesn’t come with the Alice-Frame mounted gas can that the vintage figure had. I’m not sure how Hasbro missed that, but it’s another bit of disappointment to add to Buzzer. Also, since they didn’t include the gas can backpack, I would have loved to see a peg on the chainsaw so he could wear it on his back.

Buzzer also comes with an update to the RAH figure’s weird chain axe weapon. I consider this to be pretty iconic for him too, and Hasbro did a decent job with it. The chain is just sculpted plastic, but you get some sculpted wrappings around the handle. A real chain would have been preferred, but I still like this weapon a lot.

Another interesting piece for his custom arsenal is this baseball bat with two serrated axe blades mounted to it. I’m not sure if this is a weapon included with a later version of the figure or just something Hasbro made up for Classified, but I heartedly approve. I love the idea that the Dreadnoks spend their downtime in a garage bolting together various bits to come up with crazy new murder implements. The bat is black, the blades are painted silver and you get some silver paint on the handle wrappings. It’s pretty bad-ass!

And lastly we come to the two more conventional weapons: A fighting knife and an automatic pistol. The pistol is a compact little piece cast in black plastic. I guess when you carry around blades on chains and baseball bat axes, you don’t need to make a statement with your sidearm. It has good sculpted detail and even some painted wraps around the grip, which is a surprisingly nice little touch.

The knife is simple, but looks good. Hasbro ponied up for some silver paint on the blade, which is always a welcome treat. Both the knife and pistol are the only accessories that he can store on his person.

Buzzer is a really good figure with a few missed opportunities. I love everything about the figure itself, but it’s hard to imagine how Hasbro thought the glasses were supposed to work. As I said earlier, I may just wind up gluing them on, but I’m going to wait to see if I can find a second Buzzer on clearance down the road. The missing gas can is also a shame, but an easy fix for that would be to include it as an accessory with a Dreadnok motorcycle release later on. I don’t really think that will happen, but it would be an easy re-sculpt using parts from some of bikes released in the Marvel Legends line and I’m pretty sure it would sell. A set of three Dreadnok bikes and accessories as a HasLab? Yeah, that might work.

FigureFan Zero

Action Figure Reviews, Toys & Collectibles…

Tag Archives: gi joe

G. I. JOE Classified: VAMP and Clutch by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Ultimates: Flint and Lady Jaye by Super7

G. I. JOE Ultimates: Scarlett by Super7

G. I. JOE Classified: Breaker with Ram Cycle by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Classified: Snow Serpent by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part II

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part I

G. I. JOE Classified Arctic B.A.T. by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Classified: Croc Master and Fiona by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Classified: Buzzer by Hasbro

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: