Jun 5 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: Quick Kick by Hasbro

So many great Classified figures have been pouring in and I’m so woefully far behind. I could probably review a different Classified figure every day for the next two weeks and still not be close to current. And with so many awesome figures waiting their turn, I decided to just randomly grab one off the stack of recent arrivals. And the winner is Quick Kick!

And we are officially back to window boxes! Now, I didn’t totally hate the enclosed boxes and the cardboard foot lockers were kind of neat. But, I will not miss having to go through those tissue baggies with a magnifying glass to make sure I’m not throwing out an accessory. Here we get everything laid out in the tray, a great look at the actual figure, and even some fantastic character art too! I’m pretty torn on Quick Kick as a character. Some of that comes from me preferring the shooty side to GI JOE as opposed to the Ninjas and Kung Fu stuff. But with Quick Kick, I was just not a big fan of how the Sunbow cartoon treated his character as a wisecracking actor obsessed with old movies and doing bad impressions. It’s especially unfortunate when you consider how interesting the figure’s File Card was regarding his mixed heritage being the inspiration for his martial arts training. It’s also worth noting that 1985 was an absolute banger year for JOE figures and Quick Kick kind of got pushed down on my want list, buried by a lot of other figures. But I got him eventually and I definitely had fun with him, giving him a very different personality than the cartoon version. So, let’s see how the Classified version turned out…

As has been the trend lately, Quick Kick sticks pretty close to the original RAH figure, which itself wasn’t too far off from what we saw on the cartoon. Quick Kick’s uniform consists entirely of a pair of black martial arts pants with some gray printing on the sides, a gray belt with some sculpted pouches, two gray wrist cuffs, and a shuriken-studded red baldric. He’s showing more skin than any JOE so far with some wonderfully sculpted muscles in the upper body and newly sculpted bare feet. The printed pattern on the gray side panels of his pants is crisp and you get a little silver paint for the belt buckle. The baldric is the biggest departure here, as both the RAH figure and the cartoon design had it running straight down from his left shoulder and into his pants. Here it runs across his chest and back and under his right arm. I think this design makes more sense, especially since it’s actually worn by the figure and not just part of the body sculpt. There’s some stitching sculpted into the sides, and I really love how the shuriken are sculpted to look like they are tucked into pockets, rather than just stuck on magically.

You get two head sculpts to choose from, the first being a neutral expression, and I really like what they did with it. There’s a lot of personality in this portrait. It leans into the cartoon likeness a bit, but still manages to be its own thing. The hair is sculpted separately from the head with his head band included as part of it. There’s a little slop between the hair strands and the white band, but you have to get in pretty close to see it.

The second head is good too, but I would have much rather had something close to the artwork on the box over this one. He’s got one eye brow arched a bit more than the other and his lips are kind of pursed like he’s about to whistle. “You know how to whistle, don’t you Quick Kick? You just put your lips together and blow.” Yeah, I’m not sure they were going for the Humphrey Bogart reference. It kind of looks like he’s out shopping for a car and the dealer just told him the price and it’s a lot more than he was hoping for. Or maybe he just hit his pinkie toe on the coffee table and he’s waiting to feel it.

The articulation in this line has been consistently great and that’s certainly the case with Quick Kick. He features the usual double hinges in the elbows and knees, swivels in the biceps and thighs, hinged pegs for the wrists, along with hinges and lateral rockers in the ankles. You get a swivel in the waist and the ab crunch hinge isn’t terribly jarring to look at despite his bare upper body. The neck is ball jointed both top and bottom and you get the lateral crunches in the shoulders, along with the regular rotating hinges, and the hips are ball jointed. He is super fun to play with and even has a very nice balance. Quick Kick comes with three sets of hands: Fists, karate chop hands, and accessory holding hands.

The RAH figure came with a black backpack that you could stick his sword through, but here it’s been recolored to red to match the baldric, and it comes with two slots for swords, because Classified Quick Kick has double the sword count! The swords are twins and have some great sculpted detail on the pommels and grips. The blades are painted silver and have slightly curved blades and narrow fullers.

He also has four loops on the back of his belt to hold two sets of nunchucks. It works well and reminds me of a Michelangelo figure from Playmates TMNT line. The chucks themselves have pommels and grips that match the swords, and I thought that was a cool little touch. The chains are plastic, and while that’s not usually ideal, the plastic is very pliable and doesn’t look like it’ll suffer from stress marks are breakage. They pose well and I’m happy with the way these turned out.

Two final accessories include a thrown shuriken effect piece and a Fudgie Bar. The first is cast in translucent blue plastic with the shuriken itself painted silver. I like what they were going for here, but I don’t think the effect works all that well. At least, to me it doesn’t really look like he’s throwing it, but your mileage may vary. The partially unwrapped Fudgie Bar is really well done and they even sculpted the little breakaway cubes that make up the candy bar. It’s interesting that Hasbro is now throwing cartoon specific accessories in with Classified, as that’s been Super7’s wheelhouse, but it’s fun that they did.

Yes, Quick Kick was pretty far down my list of anticipated figures, but I think it’s a credit to how great the line is that I was always going to buy him anyway. And I am sure glad he did, because he turned out great. The minor changes made to his design work really well and the fact that he has places to store both sets of weapons is a big plus in my book. And he’s already got his buddy Bazooka here, plus Hasbro just dropped a preorder for Alpine, so he’s going to be in great company on my shelf!

May 17 2024

G. I. JOE Classified Cobra HISS Techno-Viper & Heetseek Missile System by Hasbro

Well, we all knew this was coming! When the HasLab HISS arrived I had fun speculating over that little tow hitch on the back and how long it would be before we got something to tow around with it. And here we are less than six months later and Hasbro delivered with the Cobra HMS! This mobile missile system is based off of the 1985 Sears Exclusive mobile missile platform that was towed by a red HISS. Of course, that toy in turn was a repaint of the original 1982 Mobile Missile System, which was part of GI JOE’s arsenal and towed around by the VAMP. But, the direct lineage can be traced back to the 2009 Rise of Cobra release of the Heetseek Missile System, a repaint and retool of the previously mentioned toys. I never owned Cobra’s version of this weapon system, and I was eager to make my HasLab HISS even more formidable, so picking up this one was a no-brainer for me!

The HMS comes in a box designed to match the one used for the Classified HISS with more of that bitchin red and black deco that makes it look like you’re viewing the art through a Virtual Gameboy screen, only without the crippling headaches and nausea. In addition to the weapon platform you also get a Techno-Viper repainted to match the deco of the figures that make up the HISS support teams, which reminds me I still need to review that HISS Fire Team set! And speaking of things I haven’t reviewed yet, I’m in a sticky situation here, because I have yet to check out the regular release Classified Techno-Viper here, and I don’t usually like to review repaints before the originals, but I’m going to have to let that slide here. So, I’ll just be treating the Techno-Viper like a brand new figure, and I’ll do comparisons when I get around to looking at the single boxed release. So, let’s start with the figure!

The original RAH Techno-Viper was released in 1988. I was a few years out of JOEs by then and he wasn’t in the cartoon, so I didn’t know these guys even existed until I returned to GI JOE as an adult collector. And that’s a shame, because I love the concept behind these fellas. These are fully combat-trained Vipers, capable of fighting their way through the battle lines to ask if you if you’ve tried turning off your weapons platform and turning it back on again. I kid, but it makes perfect sense to have these guys capable of on-site repairs of everything from HISS Tanks to Weather Dominators. And of course, I’m sure this guy is well versed in HEETSEEK Missile Systems. This is a straight repaint of the single release and I think he looks great in the gray, black, and red color scheme Classified has adopted for the HISS crew, particularly with the silver hoses and trim.

And oh boy do I love this helmet design! It’s got a little bit of Stormtrooper-Cylon vibe going on, but manages to be all its own thing at the same time. I dig how deep set the eye lenses are in the mask and the way the helmet and mask are all layered. It looks like the visor piece is designed to be removed and it all adds a lot of depth and credibility to the head sculpt.

The backpack is quite similar to the original RAH design. It has a pair of red tanks up top, containing who knows what. The lower half is designed to hold three repair tools, which simply slot in. There’s a grab bar on the bottom, which can also be used to secure the rifle by the handle, although I don’t think that’s intentional, rather just a place you can tuck it. The included hose can be attached to either of the pegs on top of the tanks with the other end pegging into either the rifle or any of the other tools. Frankly, I don’t understand what’s going on with this system of tanks and hoses. Why could you possibly need to connect spanners to the same tank as a rifle, and what’s any of it for? Don’t know, but it looks cool!

The rifle is an interesting sci-fi design with a prominent scope and a skeletal stock. There’s a hole in the barrel to take a blast effect part, if you have some lying around, although I have no idea what it’s supposed to shoot. Lasers would be my guess. The hose could use a little more slack to work with as some poses with the rifle will cause the hose to come unplugged and that can’t be good, because I’m guessing it needs that to fire.

As for the spanners, there are two claw-like wrenches and a hammer. These are no doubt used for the fine, precision work needed to keep Cobra’s equipment running well. Banging things with a hammer usually works! They look like they would be equally useful for taking swings at JOEs.

The Techno-Viper also packs an automatic pistol. It’s an interesting design that looks plausible with just a bit of sci-fi flavor. The detail in the sculpt is excellent and it looks like it’s got some optics mounted below the barrel. And like the rifle, it has a socket in the barrel for blast effects. The sidearm has a home in the holster strapped to the Techno-Viper’s left leg.

And the final accessory is a holographic readout that plugs into either of his wrist computers. The piece is cast in translucent orange plastic and has some schematics and information sculpted into it. It reminds me a bit of the holographic images that The Four Horsemen have been releasing with their Cosmic Legions figures. It’s a neat idea and well implemented here. All in all, this is a great figure, but do I like it better than the regular release? Well, I’ll reserve judgement until I get to do a proper comparison. Hopefully in the near future. Now, onto the HEETSEEK Missile System…

Here is the HMS with the stabilizers down and ready to fire! The four legs lock into place and hold the platform with the wheels suspended off the ground. In addition to a lot of great sculpted detail, the HMS is absolutely littered with cool markings, stenciled warning labels and general information. The missile cradle can rotate 360-degrees and elevate to adjust the targeting range.

And holy crap, these missiles are absolutely huge! And yes, the curious spelling of HEETSEEK is pulled directly off of the vintage toy release. These red bringers of destruction have white lettering on the sides, along with a black Cobra emblem near the tip. The missiles tab onto the cradle and remain secure, but can be removed and hurled across the room at that approaching VAMP. There are sockets in the back of the missiles for effect parts, and I really wish some smoke trails were included with these as it would have added a lot more value to the set.

There is an access panel on the side of the platform that can be removed to access the programming and launching console. On the original toys, this was a remote pedestal with a cable that connected it to the platform. I guess it’s more convenient to have it integrated into the platform itself, but considering the price of the set, it would have been nice to get an optional remote console as well.

The hitch folds up into the platform, but still has the connection bar hanging out. It seems like there could have been a way to make this retract all the way and be more flush with the device, but at least they added a little articulation to it so it’s not just hanging on the ground for people to trip over, because than you have to get the OSHA-Vipers on the scene and nobody wants that. If you are buying this as a stand alone piece, it definitely works for play or display all by itself. But, the real draw here is getting it all hooked up to the HISS. Unfortunately I don’t have a backdrop or lighting rig for something this big so I’m going to have to shoot these pictures in the Classified Room under less than ideal conditions.

Oh, hell yeah! And if this doesn’t look like enough obscene overkill, I might remind you that Classified HISS has rocket pack saddlebags that I don’t have installed at the moment. With the stabilizer legs flipped up and the HMS hitched up, the missile platform rolls along on it’s two wheels and pairs perfectly with the High Speed Sentry. The matching colors make this look like a natural extension of the HISS rather than an Add On. And setting it up to fire beside the HISS with a full compliment of HISS Crew makes for a great display.

I’m extremely happy with this set! It takes an already epic toy like the Classified HISS and adds even more wow-factor to it. Plus, I just love the idea of getting a Techno-Viper dedicated to HISS and HMS maintenance. It really rounds out that crew nicely. Personally, I think it really needed some firing effect parts for the back of the missiles and a pedestal console certainly would have been nice. I’ve seen a fair amount of complaints about the price on this set, which retailed at $79.99, but I don’t think the asking price is all that out of line, when you consider the Trouble Bubble and Ferret both retailed at $59.99. As with those sets, you get a figure and with the huge missiles, this beast definitely involves a lot more plastic than those other small vehicles. Is it $20 more? Well, that’s up to you. I will say that if the price on this one is goosed a bit, I have to imagine it’s because it’s really an accessory for an expensive vehicle that is no longer on the market and fewer collectors will own. I mean, it does display just fine on it’s own, but you’d be missing out on the connectivity feature, at least until the inevitable release of the Cobra Stinger. The HMS is a Pulse Exclusive and at the time I’m publishing this it is still available for purchase.

May 6 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: Retro Carded Scarlett by Hasbro

As promised last week, I’m back to check out the second of Hasbro’s Classified Do-Over figures. First came Duke and now it’s Scarlett’s turn. It’s easy to forget that in the early days of Classified, Hasbro was tying the toyline to designs from the video game, Operation Blackout. Probably not a great idea, since the game really was a pile of ass and Classified has since proven that you don’t need a media tie-in to have a successful toy line. Especially when most of the people buying them are probably nostalgia-driven old bastards like me. Well, Duke was an absolute homerun, so let’s see how Scarlett turned out!

Here she is on her super sexy retro-style card with some absolutely bitchin’ character art exploding right in your face. As with Duke, the card stock is nice and thick, perfect for MOC collectors and the extended bubble allows for all of Scarlett’s accessories to be laid out around, with only a couple of the extras nested below. The back of the card has a huge multi-lingual file card and a classic “Collect-Them-All” spread of the three figures in this wave, the other two being Duke and Recondo. Alas, as great as this looks, it is not at all collector friendly, so it’s time to rip it open and get at our new recruit!

And like the new Duke, Scarlett is a complete return to her original RAH ’82 roots with a few modern polishes thrown in for good measure. Her uniform consists of the classic khaki one-piece with matching gloves and boots and a dark green underlying body suit showing through on her legs, arms, and around her neck. She has her shuriken sculpted onto her glove, a canister grenade (I think that was a round grenade on the original) sculpted on her left shoulder, and the red recoil pad on her right. She even has the hidden last-resort pistol sculpted on the inside of her left gauntlet. There are a few reinforced tailoring lines added here and there as well as a gold zipper(?) running up the side of her abs. She has a primary belt that’s sculpted as part of the figure and then a secondary belt worn by the figure with some sculpted and painted cartridges. They even added a peg to this belt to keep it in place! Her quiver is attached to her right leg with a high thigh strap, and this is the most obvious new addition to the design. She also has her knife and sheath on her left leg, something that was sculpted onto the original figure, but is now attached with the knife as a removable accessory. I think Hasbro did such a great job updating this uniform that the only thing I can nitpick are the boots. I would have liked to see the return of her high heels and, yeah, they were ridiculous and totally unpractical, so I’d guess most people will be happy to see her have flats.

I’ve thought long and hard about this portrait. I like it a lot. The original RAH Scarlett was not what I would call a handsome woman, and this one certainly remedies that. It draws a fine line between being pretty and yet still striking me as a serious woman of action. The printing on the eyes and eyebrows are perfect. The lips are painted well, but I think they may be a tad too big. Everything else is great, right down to the light peppering of freckles. The hair is sculpted separately and looks great with no flyaway bangs to get in the way of targeting Cobra. You even get two ponytails, one falling pretty straight and a second to work better with the backpack. The whole shebang is rounded out with a couple of small black earrings. Now, I really liked the first Classified Scarlett’s portrait. It was more youthful and definitely presented a different take on the character, but in the end, I think this one is a big improvement.

The backpack is a wonderfully complex sculpt with a ton of pouches, straps, rumples, and buckles. It would have been great to see some paint apps on here, but instead it’s cast in the same very pale olive plastic as her belts and quiver. The alternate ponytail works perfectly with the backpack as it’s designed to cascade down in a sort of S-pattern. The backpack stays pretty snug in her back and you get a little functionality with the two pegs on the sides to mount her rifles through the trigger guards.

The articulation here is fantastic and offers a well needed update to the arms. Here you get bicep swivels and double-hinged elbows replacing the rotating hinged elbows of the previous figure. Of course, the new Scarlett is also based on a pinless body, but everything else is more or less the same when it comes to posability. You also get one set of fists and a set of accessory holding hands.

Scarlett comes with an automatic pistol and the aforementioned combat knife. The knife is pretty standard fare and fits into the sheath. Despite her having two trigger-finger style hands, she can still hold it quite well. The pistol is an excellent sculpt and cast in the pale olive plastic. It has a hole in the barrel to take a blast effect part, although none are included. The pistol seems a tad big for her, and sadly there’s no holster for her to store it on her person. I found the trigger guard to be a little too small to risk pegging it to the backpack.

There are two rifles included: One Sunbow style XMLR-3A Laser Rifle and an AR-15 style rifle. The Sunbow rifle is always a welcome addition and it’s the same accessory that was included with Duke. I love this sculpt!

The AR-15 is also fantastic with a ton of detail, including a scope mounted on the carry bar and a removable magazine. Granted, this is not a weapon that I associate with Scarlett, but seeing as Super7 also included this type of rifle with their Ultimate Scarlett, I feel like I’m missing a connection here. But hey, I’m not complaining as this is one of the line’s best looking weapons and even if Scarlett won’t be arming herself with it much, it’ll likely get repurposed to another JOE.

Of course, Scarlett is best known for her trademark crossbow and that’s obviously included here, along with some bolts to stock her quiver. The crossbow is cast in black plastic, as are the bolts, and it’s a little more rifle-like than the RAH version, but I dig it a lot. The bolts do notch into the crossbow and you get a few different types to choose from. Sadly, there is no string on the crossbow, but maybe that’s for the best. I’d prefer no string to a chonky plastic one that warps easily and just looks wrong. I would have liked an option to peg the crossbow into her back instead of the backpack, but she’s just going to have to hold it.

Finally, you get a rectangular black figure stand with the GI JOE shooting star logo sculpted onto it. As I mentioned with Duke, I’m always happy to get these and it’s pretty close to the generic ones I use for my Classified figures, so it fits in pretty well.

To me, Scarlett is a near perfect Classified update to the Real American Hero figure and definitely the one I’ve been waiting for. She is absolutely going to be replacing the first issue Scarlett in my display. With that being said, I think Scarlett falls just slightly below the update we got with Duke. I feel bad for saying that because she is still an extraordinary figure but I think Duke just came out slightly ahead. I haven’t picked up Recondo yet because I have the Tiger Force version but I probably will eventually.

Apr 24 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: Retro Carded Duke by Hasbro

It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost four years since Classified began with Duke arriving as one of those first figures. Classified’s first take on Duke wasn’t quite what I was hoping for, but I was still pretty happy with him and even now I still think it’s a pretty cool and fun figure. But as the line continued and began to stick more closely with the traditional Real American Hero designs, I think we were all hoping and waiting for Duke (and Scarlett) to get more conservative do-overs. And rather than just produce regular new versions, Hasbro upped the ante and shipped them on some snazzy retro card backs!

Naturally, Duke isn’t the first figure to get this treatment. We’ve seen several Classified figures released on jumbo retro cards. It’s an undeniably beautiful presentation. The colorful character art is extraordinary, the figure comes in an elongated tray and bubble to show off all his extras, and the card stock is extremely sturdy, which will no doubt please MOC collectors. I got mine from Amazon and even they couldn’t damage the card! The back of the card has a giant multilingual File Card as well as a Collect-Them-All style spread showing Duke with Scarlett and Recondo, the other figures this wave. Alas, it’s not collector friendly and while I may grab a second to keep carded if they turn up on sale, this one is getting sliced open to get Hauser into action! I hope you wore your poncho, because I’m about to start gushing!

Because what we have here is one of the finest examples of Classified’s ability to take a classic RAH design, nudge it into modernity, and use the larger scale to pack in some lovely added detail. Retro Duke dons the same green trousers, high brown boots, and khaki button-down shirt as the vintage figure and it all looks superb! The sleeves are rolled up a little higher here, practically up to the elbows, there’s some more color to his belt, but all the familiar beats are present and accounted for. Naturally, some aspects of the original figure that were merely sculpted on are now fully fleshed out accessories, like the bandoleer strap, the holstered pistol on his right thigh, and the knife and sheath on his left boot. And we even get butterfly crunches in the shoulders in addition to the all the usual Classified articulation. In terms of the uniform and body sculpt, I honestly couldn’t have asked for anything more.

The portrait is another direct hit, as this is the epitome of Duke perfection. I really liked the head sculpt Hasbro did for the first Classified Duke, but this one is just leaps and bounds better. The chiseled jaw, the bold nose, the concrete brow, it all looks so damn good. Even the hair is surprisingly sharp and clean considering that it’s part of the head and not separately sculpted. If I were to do a Venn Diagram of RAH Duke, Sunbow Duke, and an ideal Modern Duke, I think this portrait would fall right in the middle of those connecting circles. Now, would I have liked a second smiling head or shouty head? Yes, absolutely. But considering how good this is, I’m not going to get greedy.

Like the RAH figure, this Duke also comes with a removable helmet. And while we’ve certainly seen some pretty detailed helmets in this line, Hasbro went with a pretty simple design as a nod back to the original figure. They did, however, add a clear visor that can be worn up or down and I probably could have done without this, as it strikes me more as a Flash helmet rather than a Duke helmet, but that’s OK. Maybe it was just Hasbro’s way of saying that Gambello is coming. Duke also comes with a pair of binoculars which he can wear around his neck, and these are very similar to the accessory included with the original RAH figure. They fit pretty well, but I prefer to tuck them under the bandoleer to keep them more flush with his chest.

The backpack is certainly a strong nod to the original, but with plenty of modern flourishes, like the twin canteens behind his shoulders and the extra pouches and straps. And yes, it’s a repaint of the same backpack issued with the first Classified Duke. The entrenching tool is still front and center, but this time it’s painted green to help it stand out better. The blade also has the GI JOE motto on printed on it, which really makes me smile. The pack plugs into the hole on the back of the figure and it stays put very well, which has not always been the case with Classified backpacks.

Duke comes with two sets of hands: Fists and a pair to hold his weapons and accessories. The lack of a flat, saluting hand is kind of conspicuously absent. Hey, I’m really trying to come up with some criticisms here!

The knife on his left boot can be removed from the sheath and it’s a beautiful little representation of a military KA-BAR style knife. The pommel is rather distinctive, as it’s a gold disk more reminiscent of a medieval dagger than the flattened butt cap of a military fighting knife, but pretty cool nonetheless. The segmented grip is brown and the dark gray blade has a small fuller near the back and a clipped point. The straps holding the sheath to the boot can ride up and down a bit and occasionally need adjusting.

The sidearm holstered on his right thigh is a modern style automatic pistol. It’s cast all in black with some excellent detail in the sculpt. There’s also a hole in the center of the barrel so it can make use of blast effect parts included with other Classified figures. Like the boot sheath, this holster is held on by two straps and it seems to stay in place really well.

As for bigger weapons, Duke comes with his traditional M-32 Pulverizer Submachine gun, and wow is this a great sculpt. The weapon is cast in green plastic, has an effect part hole in the barrel and a removable magazine.

And you get the Sunbow style XMLR-3A laser rifle, which is another absolute banger of a sculpt. The detail is so sharp and crisp, especially on the top rail and foregrip. The stick is black while the rest of the weapon is green. If Hasbro ever released a weapons pack with a bunch of these, I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

And finally, you get a figure stand! This is a black rectangle with two foot pegs and the GI JOE shooting star logo sculpted into it. This stand is extremely similar to the generic ones I buy for my Classified figures, only mine are missing the star emblem and have an extra footpeg.

If you can’t tell, I’m rather smitten with this figure and it probably goes without saying that I’ll be retiring my original Classified Duke. You served the shelf well for four years, and now you stand relieved, sir. Go buy a fishing boat and enjoy your retirement. Yes, Hasbro absolutely hit it out of the park with this figure and it really shows how far this line has come both in style and execution since the first days. What’s also great is Hasbro seems to have made this figure easy to get, as it’s been available through most major online toy retailers, and even now it’s still available on Amazon for the MSRP of $24.99. Can Retro Scarlett also be this good? Well, we’ll find out next week!

Mar 25 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: VAMP and Clutch by Hasbro

You may remember that I ended last year going hot and heavy with G.I. JOE Classified and so I tried to go easy at the beginning of this year. Well, that turned into an unintentional three month Classified hiatus, so it’s long overdue that I start hitting the Classified content again. And what better way to get back into it than with a glorious new vehicle! For a while I was really convinced that the only vehicles we were going to get out of Classified was motorcycles and the Trouble Bubble. But then HasLab got going with the glorious HISS Tank and the forthcoming Dragonfly Helicopter and the horizons expanded. What I did not expect was to see any mid to larger sized vehicles outside of HasLab projects. And then The VAMP hit Pulse and I was gobsmacked! Naturally I mashed that pre-order button and here we are!

The vehicle comes in a nearly fully enclosed box with just a small window to show off the Clutch figure. Honestly, the size of the box didn’t blow me away, but then there is some minor assembly required as you have to pop on the four wheels and mount the rear machine gun. There’s also some accessories to attach and we’ll get to those each in turn. I really loved the fact that Hasbro packaged the machine gun in it’s own tray to keep the barrels from warping, and you get the ubiquitous cardboard footlocker with tissue wrapped extras. On the other hand, I was a little disappointed that there weren’t any blast effect parts included, especially for an expensive item like this. Still, if you collect this line, you probably have quite a few already. Let’s start with the pack-in figure, Clutch…

Lance Steinberg, aka Clutch will always have a special place in my heart because we were both born in NJ and only about 30 miles from each other: Him in Asbury Park and me in Metuchen. He’s also one of those clean and classic looking JOEs from the early days that reminded me a lot of the 12-inch hand-me-down JOEs that I got from my uncle. In addition to the VAMP driver, Clutch was my JOE’s chief mechanic, a role he shared with Cover Girl, and it’s possible that my head canon had the two of them getting up to more than just oil changes when they were alone in the garage. Anyway… Classified Clutch does a beautiful job of taking the design beats from the original figure and really flushing them out and extrapolating lots of detail. Classified’s other vehicle-bundled JOE, Breaker, kind of came out a little generic, but that isn’t the case with Clutch here at all. You get an intricately detailed tactical vest over a short sleeve t-shirt, olive green trousers with brown knee guards and high boots with brown around the sculpted laces. I dig the lighter green used for the t-shirt against the olive green and brown for the vest.

The head sculpt reflects that classic JOE flavor I’m talking about with the black beard and mustache. The update has the mustache not connecting with the beard, which was an interesting choice, but I can dig it. Hasbro went with sculpting the hair as part of the head here, and while I prefer the hair sculpt to be a different piece, I’m guessing they wanted the sideburns to seamlessly connect to the beard, so they went this route. It looks good, although the paint doesn’t always quite match the hair sculpt around the edges. Still you have to punch in pretty close to notice it. Everything else here looks great!

The helmet fits over the head and features loose chin straps hanging on either side. You also get a sculpted optics mount on the front, which I thought was a wonderful detail. It would have been really cool to have a night vision scope to attach to it. Maybe some third-party will oblige or Hasbro will revisit the concept later.

You also get a fully enclosed helmet, reminiscent of the Steel Brigade style, but this is an actual helmet rather than a second head option. On the one hand, I think this design is really bad ass and I dig the teeth painted on the sides. On the other hand, it seems like overkill for a jeep driver and more akin to something a pilot would wear. This helmet is definitely getting gifted to another JOE, I just don’t know who yet.

Clutch sports some sharp tatts printed on each arm. You get some racing flags, dice, and burning rubber on the left forearm and some crossed pistons and a pin-up girl on his right. I love both of these designs and they really add a lot of personality to the figure.

Clutch has an equipment rig on his right thigh, which includes a removable wrench. This is the same wrench sculpt that came with Cover Girl, but the additional red and gray paint really make it stand out and picks out the detail.

As for weapons, you get an automatic pistol and a shotgun. The pistol is sizeable with some great attention to detail. I especially like the stars sculpted on the painted brown grips. The pistol can be carried in the holster attached to his chest.

The shotgun is a repaint of the one that came with Cover Girl, this time with a brown stock and foregrip, instead of green. Hey, it never hurts to have a boomstick tucked behind the seat! Now let’s get the VAMP out of the garage and ready to bust some snakes!

And here she is all ready to roll out! I think Hasbro did a wonderful job taking the classic VAMP design and enhancing it with some extra detail and modernization without going overboard. There are no stickers to apply, so all the lettering is tampo’d or preapplied decals, and there’s a lot of it. From tiny warning signs to insignia and registration markings, it was fun to discover it all when I first got the VAMP out of the box. I really like the olive green plastic they used for the body and the addition of some extra black for the roll cage looks great. In addition to installing the wheels and rear machine guns, there are a number of smaller accessories and fixtures that need to be attached. These include three sets of light rails. One goes on the front ramming bar and the other two on the top of the windshield frame. The frames are black with translucent blue lenses for the lights, giving them a bit of a glow effect, even though they don’t actually light up. It’s also nice that these are optional in case you want to go with a cleaner more classic look. Grab bars also snap onto the frame above the door hatches.

The profile is perfectly iconic and I dig how high it sits on the wheels. I’ve seen some people complaining that it’s too small, but I don’t agree. Yeah, it does look pretty silly if you load it up with a ton of figures, but this isn’t a troop transport, it’s a jeep. It’s a fast attack vehicle with a top speed of 140mph and a maximum range of 550 miles. I think it’s perfectly sized for the Classified line. But sure, you can have some JOEs hitch a ride on the running board and hanging off the grab bars and I think it still looks fine. One gripe I have is that I wish the running boards were a little larger and maybe had some pegs too.

The front bumper includes a working winch as well as two yellow toe hooks. I do wish the winch rope was black and it was a bit longer, but I may remedy that myself if I feel ambitious some day.

The hood includes a clip to attach the included entrenching tool, you also get a bundle. presumably full of tools or equipment, that attaches to the hood. It’s brown with individually painted black tie-down straps and a nice added bit of kit that wasn’t on the original VAMP. Finally there’s an environmental sensor that pegs in next to the equipment package. I always thought this thing was a laser gun or something, but I don’t think it was ever actually called out on the original blueprints. I really like the addition of an actual windshield, as well as the fact that it can hinge down. And if you want to see what she’s got under the hood, just lift it up to reveal the fully sculpted engine inside.

The backside includes a cage to hold two gas cans and there’s a rack on the outside of the cage to hold the included axe. Oh, and there’s a tow hitch on the back for the obligatory MMS that’ll be coming any month now. But, I’d really like to see the Twin Battle Gun released as well, because that’s what my childhood VAMP was always towing.

The interior is pretty spiffy with biscuit colored seats and a really detailed dashboard. A number of the controls are painted, you get printed graphics for all the display screens and instruments and the shifter on the center console actually slides forward and backward. And check out the sideview mirrors, which are actual mirrors… cool! The steering wheel turns, but it isn’t actually connected to the front wheels. There’s also a clip at the back of the driver’s cabin to hold an included fire extinguisher! The figures slide into the seats easily and there’s plenty of room for the figures in both seats. Alas, no seatbelts!

The pom-pom guns from the original toy have been replaced with a pair of turret mounted machineguns, and these can actually be broken down into two separate machine guns. The assembly can rotate 360-degrees and raise and lower to offer a wide radius of coverage. Each gun is belt fed from a pair of ammo cases that sit on the platform in front of the turret. These don’t actually secure into the plate, so I used a bit of poster putty to get them to stick and it seems to work really well. While the original VAMP was billed as having a crew of only one, it always had a passenger seat, and I imagine it helps to have someone on hand to control the machine gun, unless it had some kind of crazy sophisticated auto tracking system. I would have liked it if the dashboard design actually had a joystick or something to facilitate control of the guns, but I’ll just have to use my imagination on that front.

It’s crazy to think we got a VAMP before an AWE Striker, and yet here we are! The VAMP had a sticker price of $99 and was a Hasbro Pulse exclusive. I’ve seen some griping about the price, but if you figure Clutch as $25, as per the going price of the figures these days, I don’t think $75 is a big ask for what you’re getting here. And even as a pack-in figure, Clutch feels every bit as good as a single boxed release. As for the VAMP itself, I think the design perfectly straddles that line between classic vs modern update, and everything about it feels well thought out. The build quality is solid and this is a rugged toy capable of getting into all kinds of scrapes with Cobra. No, it’s not going to win any battles against the HasLab HISS, but then it wasn’t designed to, so as of now, Cobra is still going to dominate on the battlefield until there are Dragonflys filling the skies overhead.

Feb 9 2024

G. I. JOE Classified: Breaker with Ram Cycle by Hasbro

There was a lot of GI JOE Classified content here leading up to Christmas, so I tried to give it a rest for at least a couple of weeks and I guess that turned into a whole month. But truth be told this line has been one of my absolute high points for collecting right now and there’s so many goodies to cover, so here we are again with another vehicle from Classified. Sure, that HasLab HISS Tank is going to be hard to beat with a mere motorcycle, but the GI JOE line has some truly iconic smaller scale vehicles that are so totally doable as retail-friendly releases. And the Ram Cycle is certainly one of them! Also, this was only the second vehicle to release in the line, so it was a pretty big deal when it did!

Yup, this one has been out for a while. So long, in fact, that it’s even been re-released as a Tiger Force repaint. But, as I’m sure you’ve heard a lot by now, a big part of 2024 for me is going to be taking care of unfinished business. FFZ has never really been about being cutting edge. I leave that to the people willing to pay triple on Ebay for stolen toys to get that FIRST IN reputation. Anyway, this set comes in a beautiful window box that shows off the toys very well. It also has the dreaded Cobra Island moniker, signifying that it was a Target Exclusive. Remember how much fun that was kids? It was actually a lot worse with the Baroness and Cobra COILS set, which I never actually saw at a Target and quickly became scalper feed, but there were eventually shelves full of the Ram Cycle, so I guess lessons were learned. Let’s start with Breaker.

Breaker dips all the way back to that initial first year of Real American Hero figures. On the one hand, I’m not sure I dig Hasbro taking figures that were originally carded releases and bundling them with vehicles, but Hasbro’s model seems to require figures with all the vehicles, so I can dig it. Also, the 2008 version of the RAM Cycle was released with a Corporal Breaker, so at least Hasbro is being consistent. The JOE Communications officer was a pretty simple figure, and this release really reflects that. You get plain green fatigues, granted with a lot of sculpted detail, black boots, rolled up sleeves, black gloves, a green wristwatch, and an absolute slab of a combat vest with sculpted pouches and black shoulder straps. The vest adds some crazy bulk to the figure, which surprisingly to me looks less obtrusive when viewed from the side than from the front. Some may balk at the relative vanilla look of this guy, but personally, I enjoy the more traditional military looking figures, and Breaker here has that in spades.

The head sculpt is really solid and presents a very classic JOE look. I’m talking classic 12-inch JOE look! You get the black beard with some back-swept hair, a prominent nose and a stoic, slightly determined stare. He definitely lacks the sleepy, dead eyes of the original RAH figure, that made me think Breaker was a stoner. On the downside, the seam that bisects his hair is kind of ugly, especially by Classified standards. Still, if Hasbro ever wanted to give this guy a camo paintjob and release him as an Adventure Team exclusive, I’d definitely be down for that.

Breaker is definitely light on the accessories, which some may blame on him being bundled with a vehicle, but in fairness the original Breaker didn’t come with a whole lot. He had a helmet, radio headset and backpack radio. Here we get the helmet and headset all in one, with the helmet repurposed as a motorcycle helmet with a visor. The helmet looks great and includes a microphone. The lack of a backpack still kind of bugs me, although a radio backpack would be kind of outdated for Classified. Maybe they could have given him a SINCGARS unit. That would have been cool. At the very least, he should have come with a pistol and holster, even if the original figure was released unarmed. Heck, Baroness got a ton of extras and she was bundled with a motorcycle as well.

Moving on to the RAM Cycle and this is an absolute beauty. As with a lot of what Classified is doing now, it takes the original design and just injects a dose of modern realism into an updated sculpt. The body is mostly cast in an olive green, which is a lot duller than the RAH toy, but adds to that more realistic look. You also get some black and gray in the mix, found in the engine, wheels, tires, exhaust, seat, and other little bits and bobs. There is some wonderful detail in the engine, a few panel lines, and some sculpted bolts. This bike looks great!

The RAM features a lot of the same markings as the original toy, this time all printed on. The MG 1027 can still be found stenciled in white on the gas tank (although I could have sworn it was MC 1027 on the original), along with the updated JOE star emblem. Other insignia and markings are present, including the American Flag.

The dash is very well detailed. I was surprised to see the gauges were actually sculpted and painted, rather than just stickers. I like the bit of added sculpting in the handlebars and you even get some extra detail on the gas cap.

The side mounted minigun adds the Rapid Fire in this Rapid Fire Motorcycle and the sidecar-type attachment also stabilizes the motorcycle so it can stand fine for display purposes. As a kid, I remember the idea of attaching a chain gun to a motorcycle sidecar was about the coolest thing I’d ever seen. I remember even my Dad being pretty impressed at the concept. Somehow I don’t think it’s real world practical, but boy is it an amazingly toyetic concept.

As we saw in the packaged shot, the minigun pod is not only removable from the cycle itself, but it can also be opened up and the gun can be removed and wielded by hand, which is so awesome. There is a flip down kickstand to stabilize the bike when the weapon pod is not attached. And yeah, I guess this would make up for the fact that Breaker doesn’t come with a pistol. About three thousand rounds a minute? That’s what I call communication!

And Breaker does indeed sit quite nicely on the bike and looks damn good on it! His hands can grip the handle bars and his feat peg into the pedals. His butt does hover a bit off the seat, but that’s fine. There’s even enough room for a second rider if they don’t mind getting cozy.

One of the cool things about the Real American Hero line was the wide range of vehicles and playsets. For every wallet-busting USS FLAGG there was a small and affordable toy like The RAM Cycle that let kids actually save up allowance and add to their toychest. Granted, the Classified version is bigger and pricier, but it still feels like a decent enough value when you bundle in the figure. The sculpt here is excellent and the added feature of the removable minigun adds tons of play value. It’s a little tougher to find at a decent price these days, but well worth it if you can hunt one down.

Dec 29 2023

G. I. JOE Classified: Snow Serpent by Hasbro

It’s the last review of the year and final installment of my little Snow Joe Trilogy! I had originally hoped to get all these in before Christmas, but that clearly didn’t happen. But it’s still December and the wintery theme is still appropriate, so let’s do this! So far, I’ve checked out Snow Job and the Arctic BAT, and today we’re headed back into the icy tundra and having a look at Cobra’s predators of the winter wonderland: The Snow Serpent!

Like Snow Job, this guy is a Deluxe, which means he comes in a bigger box, costs more, and has a beefier inventory of accessories. The original Snow Serpents were released somewhere around 1985/86 and I was lucky enough to have one of these fellas to fight Snow Job. But he really just snuck in at the point where I stopped playing with toys a lo and very well may have been among the last GI JOE figures I got as a kid. I remember being really confused at how the filecard lumped these Serpents in with the Cobra Eels. I get that they’re both specialists, but it basically stated that Snow Serpents were just Eels with additional cold weather training. I quickly tossed out that idea. But I did like the fact that these guys were considered some of Cobra’s absolute elite troopers.

And here he is kitted out with most of his gear. Hasbro really played it close to the original figure on this one, and I’m loving it! The white fatigues are reinforced with sculpted fur around the neck, shoulders, and forearms with just a little yellow added to these to give the fur some natural color. The blue torso rig is blue with a T-7A style parachute pack across his front, and he has matching blue thigh rigs with holsters for his sidearms. There are insignia markings on both biceps and he has a pair of white removable snow shoes, which much to my surprise are different than the ones that came with Snow Job. This is a great looking figure and I expect the Real American Hero purists are going to love it! Or maybe they won’t. They can be a fickle lot.

The head sculpt also follows the original figure’s design beat for beat, but with a lot more detail. The helmet is white with silver caps over the ears. The black face mask has sculpted breather vents, and the goggles have a very vintage, almost WWII look about them, right down to the lovely orange rust spray around them. He also has a pair of blue tinted goggles, which can be worn up on top of the helmet, or pulled down over the goggles in the mask.

The Snow Serpent’s backpack may look familiar, and that’s because it’s a straight repaint of the one that came with Bazooka. This time it’s black frame with an off-white pouch. It has four slots to clip in the included bazooka rounds and there’s are two hooks on the bottom so he can store the bazooka across his butt. The bazooka is also the same one that came with David K. with some gray paint added to this mostly black tube of terror. The back piece can swivel open and you can load in the rounds. The bazooka is a stand in for the EK99 Anti-Tank missile that came with the original figure, which might irk some vintage fans, but I think it’s a great substitute and it even gives the Snow Serpent three more shots.

As for the rest of his ordinance, the Snow Serpent comes with a matched set of automatic pistols and a small combat knife. The pistols are nicely detailed, cast in all black, and have holes in the barrels for effect parts (not included). The knife is nothing special, and in what might be a Classified first, there is nowhere specific to store the knife on his person, unless you just want to tuck it into some of those thigh straps.

For something better than pistols and not as overstated as a bazooka round, the Snow Serpent has a fairly traditional looking AR-style rifle with a carry bar and a removable magazine. It’s a departure from the AK-style weapon of the original figure, but it’s a great sculpt and realistic looking, so I’m cool with that.

And we’re not done yet, because he also comes with this smaller grease gun-style sub-machine gun. It has a scope and a removable magazine and it reminds me of the weapons the Cobra troops often carried in the Sunbow cartoon, so naturally I love this one too! Like the pistols, both of these weapons have holes in the barrels to accommodate whatever effect parts you might have lying around.

If you want to give your Snow Serpents an upgraded look, Hasbro included a sculpted gray wolf pelt for some extra warmth and added intimidation factor. I can’t say I prefer this look, but it is a really nice option. The whole wolfy ensemble is made up of a head piece and a cape that pegs into the back and has the two front paws hanging over the shoulders. It’s kind of ghoulish for a Hasbro toy, but it looks really bad ass. There is a peg hole in the pelt so you could technically put the backpack on behind it, but it doesn’t work that well, but it makes sense that not every Snow Serpent would be toting a bazooka so if you have more than one, you can mix and match..

Finally, the Snow Serpent comes with a Cobra branded snowboard, and this is a really fun accessory. There are slots and pegs for the figure’s feet and he stays on it really well. There’s a raised Cobra emblem on the top and some digital camo and the Snow Serpent insignia on the back. Just imagine having five wolfman with sub-machine guns speed into your camp at the dead of night shouting COBRA! Holy shit!

Pretty much every Cobra army builder in Classified has been a direct hit for me, but I feel like these Snow Serpents raise the bar even a bit higher. Everything gels so perfectly to make this an incredibly fun figure. The selection of equipment is excellent, and the sheer amount of accessories certainly justifies the Deluxe price point. I picked up two of these, so I will be displaying one with the wolf pelt and one kitted out with the bazooka. I’d love to get two more, but I’m really trying to be good about not doing any more army building. With this pair and the Arctic BAT patrolling the tundra, Snow Job is going to need some reinforcements. We need a Classified Frostbite, STAT, but that probably wouldn’t happen without a HasLab Snowcat. Count me in!

Dec 25 2023

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part II

Merry Christmas everyone! If you didn’t check in yesterday, I kicked off a two-part look at the HasLab HISS on Christmas Eve. I like to try to celebrate Christmas by featuring a big toy or playset most years. You know, the kind that we would only have a chance of getting on that biggest of toy gifting days! I had a few contenders this year, but wound up pushing the HasLab HISS to the front of the line, because oh boy, I would have lost my little mind if I found something like this under the tree! In Part I, I covered the four included figures and today we’re going to tackle the HISS Tank itself. This big boi was a challenge to shoot, as I’m still working out the kinks on a bigger staging area, so apologies if the photos look rough. I’m going to start with some generalizations with the toy more or less straight out of the box, and then we’ll kit it out and take a tour around it!

First off, the HISS is suitably big without being obnoxiously huge, and the build quality is fantastic with only the act of attaching the canopy making me a little nervous. Just about everything about this toy and its features reflects careful thought and design. I’m also happy to report that the profile and general look of Cobra’s new Classified High Speed Sentry is as iconic as ever! There are few display options for the HISS, thanks to some of the mix-and-match parts, but when you take it out of the box and attach the guns and canopy, it’s extremely true to the original toy design, if that’s the look you’re going for. You get two options for the canopy: A simple clear one for that vintage look, and a modern one with red trim and opening gull-wing side hatches. These attach similarly to the way the vintage one did, by squeezing two nubs into the holes so pressure holds it in place and creates a hinge. There is no way I feel comfortable doing this more than once, so I decided to pick a canopy and stick with it, and I went with the modern one because I just think it looked cooler and more premium. It also makes it more convenient for the Driver to pay tolls and go pick up fast food at Drive-Thru windows. I’m not saying that you can’t safely swap these out without stressing or breaking the plastic, but I’m just not willing to try it.

The bulk of the toy is cast in black plastic with not a lot of paint on the main body, apart from some subtle black and gray striping. The bare plastic looks good, but it does tend to show finger prints here and there. You do get some dry brush weathering on the cannon, which looks like they have seen a lot of use. There is a sticker sheet included to customize the tank, but it also has all the markings it needs printed on it, so I won’t be messing with the stickers at all. The sculpted detail feels about right in line with the vintage toy with just a little more added for the bigger scale. These include panel lines, rivets, hatches, and the like. The front headlights and rear tail lights feature electronics, and I’ll take a look at those in a bit. The cannon turret rotates 360-degrees and uses the same tab-key system as the original toy, keeping it locked in until the tab lines up with the slot and then it will come out. One of my only nitpicks on this whole toy is that the turret doesn’t rotate as smoothly as I would have liked. The treads are rubber and do actually work, allowing for a pretty smooth roll. There is a folding tail hitch on the back, which will hopefully be used by a future SMS release, and oh boy is that going to look awesome!

And here’s a quick size comparison with one of the recent re-issued 3 3/4-inch scale HISS toys… Now, let’s start getting this thing ready for battle!

First off, you get two options for armor plating on the wheel assemblies. These plates peg in very easily and help to keep the damned JOEs from blowing holes in your wheels. The first gives you something closes to the original toy, but I’ll stick with the second more detailed one, as I’m going for the most modern look I can get. There’s some nice red paint on the vertical slats and some gray and light gray striping, as well as some more markings printed in blue and white. These look awesome!

You can also attach an extra armor plate on the turret between the cannon barrels, and this is another addition that I really love. I can’t imagine anyone enjoys sitting up there and getting shot at, so at least this shield adds some forward protection. It has some sculpted bolts and a raised cobra emblem, which looks great. It also helps that the Gunner is the smallest of the figures, so at least she presents the smallest target and can more easily hunker down behind that armor shield.

Hasbro has also included a pair of articulated miniguns to the sides of the gunning station. There are also optional ammo canisters for these, but I’m not crazy about the way they look and they make it even more busy in that turret, so I will leave them off. The miniguns can rotate as well as hinge up and down. It’s a lot of firepower for one person, so I’d like to think that the miniguns have some kind of autonomous motion tracking option, with the gunner taking control of them only when targets of opportunity get too close for the main cannon. Either way, giving the HISS some broadside and rear attacking capabilities is a wonderful upgrade! Just don’t shoot them behind you if you’ve got troops riding on the tailgate!

Another added bit of firepower is the chin gun. This whole assembly is beautifully detailed and plugs right into the socket under the nose of the tank. It’s a strong connection, but it is designed to be removed if you want to change things up. It has full rotation and can hinge up and down. There are some lovely paint details on this, including some red and silver accents and some metallic purple on the barrels to show a little stress from firing. You also get some crisp Cobra emblems printed on the sides. It’s another modern touch to the HISS that I will be keeping on all the time!

As I mentioned earlier, the modern cockpit has gullwing hatches that open on either side. It would be a tight fit to extract the figure through these, but in reality, I’m sure the Driver could scramble through them if the canopy malfunctioned and the Tank was about to blow.

The interior of the cockpit is phenomenal with a five-point harness that fastens with a peg behind the Cobra buckle. The seat cushions are textured, and there’s a control yoke on the right arm rest and a throttle on the left. The Driver fits in perfectly and the straps to the harness can pull out and feed back into the slots to help make it snug after he’s seated.

The detailed dashboard has light up screens, as well as a translucent Heads Up Display. You also get a cool light that floods the cabin in an eerie red glow. This is without a doubt one of the coolest cockpits for any vehicle that i own.

There’s a removable engine access cover just behind the cockpit so you can give the HISS a tune up between missions.

There are two access ladders that fold down from the sides to help the Gunner or Driver get into position. These are cast in red plastic and I love how they close and secure into the recessed compartments. There are also grab bars located at the top to help a figure hang on.

There are no pegs on the rear deck plate, but there is a railing up top, so you can still have some troops riding on the back. They stay put pretty well when gripping the rail. Two fit comfortably, and you could even squeeze in a third in pinch. That will come in handy when the set of HISS Fire Team figures arrives. Although, I can’t deny that the regular troops look best on the back. I remember as a kid how badly I wanted an extra Cobra Trooper so I could have a couple on the back of my HISS.

The back of the HISS has a fold down ramp to open up the interior for access to The Tactician’s area. Here, there’s a Cobra-themed seat and a weapons rack on the wall across from it. When you drop the boarding ramp, it triggers a red interior light. It’s admittedly pretty cramped quarters in there, but it’s still a great addition to the HISS design. While I do like the weapons rack, I think I would have preferred to get a computer and instrument bank on that wall, or better yet have an option between the two. But, I suppose the Tactician can use his wrist device for computing firing solutions and mapping waypoints and the like, so maybe it isn’t necessary.

If you want even more firepower on your HISS, Hasbro included a pair of six-pack missile launchers and these look absolutely brutal! There are two holes with flip up hatches on the sides of the HISS that these plug into. The individual missiles are removable, the launcher assembly can angle up or down, and even extend out when they are ready to fire. I love the way these things look, but I’m thinking these should be reserved as a load out for special missions. They definitely make for a great variant if you were lucky enough to get more than one of these babies.

The external electronics include light up headlamps with an array of red lights between the top lights and a projector between the bottom lights that paints a red Cobra emblem on the ground in front of the tank. You also get red tail lights on the back. A lot of times, I can take or leave electronic features in toys, and will usually advocate for leaving them out to control costs, but I have to admit that I really do enjoy most of the lighting features on the HISS. The headlamps are nice and bright and really give the toy a premium feel, as do the red tactical lights in the rear compartment and cockpit, and the light up dashboard. I thought the Cobra projection was kind of cheesy and, while it is admittedly a really neat effect, I haven’t really changed my mind on that.

Hasbro absolutely hit it out of the park with this release! It’s not the biggest vehicle to ship this year, as it’s still dwarfed by Super7’s Thundertank or McFarlane’s Batwing, but it is as big as it needs to be and it is just packed with great options and well executed features. What’s more, the build quality is superb and the electronics really enhance the toy rather than feel like a needless extra. This feels like a rugged and proper high end toy, rather than just an expensive display piece. I have had it parked on my coffee table since I got it and I find myself constantly playing around with it as I’m watching TV or listening to podcasts and music. It really is that much fun and all I can say is that if the Dragonfly turns out half as good, I may lose my damn mind when it arrives. Of course, all of this should be the case because at $300, this toy wasn’t cheap. And in case you can’t tell from my ramblings, I consider it money well spent. Especially if you factor in the four figures that would have run about $25 a pop at retail and the Cobra Commander is going for upward of $100 himself on the aftermarket. It would be cool if Hasbro could put together a stripped down budget version of this beauty at a retail-friendly price point. but I don’t see that happening.

And all that’s left is for me to wish you all a Merry Christmas and extend my warmest thanks for stopping by and spending a little bit of your holiday with me. I’ll be back on Wednesday and Friday with the last reviews of 2023 and then we can kick off the New Year on Monday. Be safe and be well!

Dec 24 2023

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part I

It’s Christmas Eve and it’s time for my semi-annual “If-I-Have-Time-For-It” Super-Special Christmas Review. I like to squeeze these in on the years when time allows, and check out something extra big or cool or both. Growing up, Christmas for me was all about hoping to get that one big playset or toy vehicle that I could never have hoped to get any other time of the year. Yes, there were some toy wants out there that even outclassed a mere birthday. But on Christmas? Well, anything was possible on Christmas! And coincidentally, the HasLab Classified Cobra HISS Tank arrived a short while ago, and I knew I had to put this under the proverbial tree for this year’s Christmas Review. I’m breaking this review up into two parts, so today we’ll check out the figures that were included and tomorrow we’ll have a look at the HISS Tank itself.

To the unaware, HasLab is the moniker Hasbro uses for their big crowdfunded projects. These are solicited releases that are considered too big and expensive to get retail space. They show off the toy, set a price, and let you know how many backers they need to make it a reality. So, it’s basically a pre-order, but if not enough people pre-order it, then it doesn’t get made. It’s a bit controversial, as many will tell you that the second largest toy company in the world shouldn’t have to resort to these tactics. Maybe so, and I do reckon there are some sketchy things behind it, but if I see one I like, I back it. So far I’ve backed four: The Mandalorian Razor Crest, which I have not yet reviewed here, but someday. The giant Marvel Legends Galactus figure, this HISS Tank, and the GI JOE Dragonfly Helicopter, which is currently in production. The HISS comes in a big box to hold this 6-inch scale tank with some beautiful artwork on the box, and some assembly required for the HISS and all it’s parts. You also get a separate box inside which has the four individually packaged figures that were included with the project: Cobra Commander, The HISS Driver, The HISS Gunner, and The HISS Tactician. Let’s start with the Classic Cobra Commander…

Only not really, because I’m not going to open this guy just yet. Sorry, but I’m betting we are going to get a wide release variant and so for now I’m leaving him carded. We got a Classified version of Cobra Commander a while back, and it was a pretty good figure, but Hasbro decided to offer a more classic version of him for this HasLab project. For the record, I think that was an awful idea, because you shouldn’t bundle figures this important and desirable with expensive and limited vehicles and playsets. But, since they gave him the infamous Mickey Mouse misprint on his chest emblem, I would bet that we’re going to see him as a wide release with that emblem fixed, thus allowing this one to still be an exclusive and yet still allow the figure to be had by all. I’ll just say that the figure looks great, he has some cool accessories, and the card is magnificent. Hopefully we’ll get confirmation of a retail release before my willpower gives out and I tear this one open.

The HISS crew all come in fully enclosed boxes, numbered 99-101. While the boxes are similar to the regular Classified releases, the artwork is specialized to make them stand out as unique. You get the Cobra HISS logo at the top of each peg flap and a red tint to the lettering and artwork. The Tactician even has a Ron Rudat facsimile signature on the front, which is a pretty cool way to commemorate the 100th figure in the series. Rudat, of course, being a legendary designer who logged something like three decades at Hasbro before moving on to other things. Each figure comes in a cardboard tray with an illustrated back along with a cardboard foot locker containing their accessories sealed in a branded tissue bag. Let’s start with the Driver!

This guy is based very closely on the vintage figure that was bundled with the original Real American Hero HISS Tank, and he looks damn sharp! He dons familiar red fatigues with an armored chest and shoulder piece with a blue front shield and a bold silver Cobra emblem. This rig is actually worn by the figure with soft plastic straps holding it in place under his arms and across his back. The shoulder piece is painted with a rich and glossy red that stands out against the duller matte finish of the fatigues. He has a sculpted belt with some blue accents to the buckle, a molded holster strapped to his right thigh and some serious kicks in the form of thigh high armored boots. These have a chonky angular design and a high gloss black finish. The HISS Driver is probably the most iconic Cobra vehicle operator to me and this figure offers a fantastic update to that classic design.

The helmet really hasn’t changed much at all. It features the silver visor and featureless black faceplate. There’s a mohawk-like crest ridge on the top and an stylized snake head in the center. The generic and impersonal nature of the helmet always made this guy seem extra intimidating to me. The helmet has a lovely gloss finish, but the paint on the top edge of my figure’s visor could have been a bit sharper.

A new addition to the design is this cool control device on the right arm. It has a bit of a Fallout Pipboy kind of vibe with arrays of buttons and a display screen. I imagine it can be used for everything from communicating with the HISS crew to receiving data. How about a less useful addition…

Boxing gloves? The HISS Driver comes with a pair of fists, but these are enlarged and reinforced face punchers. I honestly don’t get these at all. Is it some reference that I’m missing? I don’t know, but it’s a weird thing to give a Tank Driver. I guess if his tank gets disabled he comes out swinging? Yeah, these are going into The Dreaded Tote of Forgotten Accessories. Regardless, articulation on this fella is right in line with what we’ve been seeing in Classified up to this point, even including crunches in the shoulders. His joints feel good and he’s fun to play with.

The HISS Driver comes with a standard automatic pistol as a sidearm. This trusty weapon has some great detail in the sculpt and it’s nice and compact. The barrel has a hole if you want to use some effect parts from other Classified releases, but there weren’t any included here.

He also includes this rather unique sub-machine gun. I’m not usually a big fan of these crazy modern gun designs, but this one is kind of cool. It has a rather large detachable magazine, a very short barrel, and a fixed bayonet, which is painted silver. On the downside, the design makes it really tough to get it into his hand, making me wish for something a bit more practical. But, minor quibbles about accessories aside, I’m pleased with what Hasbro did with this design. It pays homage to the vintage figure, while giving it a little shot of modernity. Not bad for a figure that’s going to spend most of his life in a cockpit. Next up… The Tactician!

I won’t spend nearly as much time on The Tactician, because he’s just a straight repaint of the HISS Driver right down to the accessories. The Tactician’s suit is mostly black with some red paint on the shoulders and the front panels of the lower boots. The belt is red and the Cobra emblem is red. The only thing left unchanged from the Driver is the helmet. I wasn’t really excited for this figure, but now that he’s in hand, I think he looks great, and it only occurred to me that his deco is such a close match for the HISS Tank itself, being mostly black with some red trim.

The pistol and rifle each have a lick of red paint to personalize them a bit, and yes he comes with boxing gloves too.

In my mind, The Tactician is just Cobra’s name for Tank Commander, so this guy will sit inside the bowels of the HISS and relay orders and run the show. Like the Driver he’s got one of those fancy wrist computers, so I’d like to think he can use that to receive new data, and bark his orders to the Driver and Gunner. The Driver will always be the iconic face of the HISS, but I love that Hasbro created this guy. Sure, the concept isn’t original, but he may be one of my favorite additions that Classified has made to Cobra canon.

And finally, we have The Gunner, who is basically a female version of The Driver with all the same beats on the uniform design, but in a slighter female build. As a result, you can interchange her with the official Driver if you want. As we’ll see tomorrow The Gunner fits fine in the cockpit, but it would be a bit more roomy for this lady. On the other hand, she makes for less of an easy target for GI JOE sharpshooters while she’s exposed up in that turret. I think the uniform translates well to this body and all the same wonderful sculpted details are present. She also shares the same articulation in the arms, including the shoulder crunches. It’s a nice surprise to have none of that single rotating hinge elbow nonsense here! The same wrist device is present here as well, so she can communicate with her teammates or work out firing solutions.

Unlike her peers, The Gunner gets a whole new head sculpt, and I’m not just talking a smaller lady head, but it has some subtle changes, including added detail to the face mask, which is interesting. Instead of being completely smooth, you get a defined stipe down the center in line with her nose and some angled vents on each side of where her mouth is. The forehead emblem is also angular here and she has sculpted disks over her ears. I’m not sure what purposes the variations serve on the female helmet, but it’s cool to get some additional detail in the sculpt.

The Gunner shares the same weapons as her two teammates, with the pistol and rifle being painted exactly the same as The Driver’s.

And yes, she even comes with the reinforced fists, which don’t look as enlarged as the ones included with the Driver and Tactician. They actually look like normal fists with a bit of reinforcement over the knuckles.

You want more guns? How about this kick ass tactical shotgun with a removable drum magazine! Damn, this thing is really sweet. You get some sharp sculpting on the rails and the foregrip, and the shells in the drum are individually painted. Very nice!

And we’re not done yet, because she also comes with a couple of melee weapons: An entrenching tool and a pick-axe-hammer and these are a bit of a poser to me. The entrenching tool kind of makes sense, as you might need to dig under the tank to repair the tread, but the hammer-pick-axe just looks like some kind of crazy Dreadnok weapon. Also, I’m not sure why there looks like a bite has been taken out of the shovel. Weird!

And that’s the HISS Tank crew and I must say I dig them a lot. The Driver is pretty much a perfect update to the vintage figure, which was always a favorite of mine. And doing the Gunner as basically just a female version of the same figure lets me swap her out as Driver if I want to change things up. I also like that the Tactician is repainted to set him apart from his subordinates, and the fact that his uniform color coordinates with the tank is both hilarious and awesome. The boxing gloves are pretty weird, as are the melee weapons, but I don’t hate them. Also, the choice to give The Gunner, the one unique sculpted figure in this set, all the extras wouldn’t have made much sense if these were individual retail releases, but as a group I guess it doesn’t matter. And now that we have the crew together, it’s time to get to sleep and see if Santa leaves them a big tank under the tree for them to crew!

Have a happy and peaceful Christmas Eve, everyone, and I hope to see you back here in the morning!

Dec 22 2023

G. I. JOE Classified Arctic B.A.T. by Hasbro

Well, if snowy battlefields haven’t gotten you into the Christmas spirit yet, you better get festive fast, because ready or not, it’s right around the corner. So welcome to the second stop in my snowy Yuletide GI JOE trifecta. This blizzard of military Christmas spirit started on Monday with a look at Snow Job, and today I’m having a look at Cobra’s specialized Arctic Battle Android Trooper. Because… the regular BATs get too cold when they go out in the snow? OK, maybe these are equipped with more anti-freeze and wear chains on their boots. Either way, let’s bundle up and check him out!

This is not the first appearance of an Arctic BAT here on FFZ, that honor went to this guy way back in 2015 as part of Hasbro’s 50th Anniversary line, so the idea of BATs specialized for Arctic conditions is not exactly new. I do indeed love me some Cobra BATs! They were introduced into the Sunbow cartoon to give the JOEs an enemy they could shoot and “kill” without any actual bloodshed because they are just machines. I dig the Classified BAT design a lot, and boy have I amassed a fair number of them! As a result, I pre-ordered a few of these new Arctic BATs from different retailers. One arrived before the others shipped, and that was sure lucky, because after getting this guy in hand, I promptly cancelled the rest. Read on and find out why this guy left me cold. Sorry…

So, the Arctic BAT is built off the same body as the regular BAT, and that’s fine. It makes sense as this is presumably just a tweaked variant and to be fair, Hasbro did a lot to personalize this figure. In addition to the suit being painted white, the boots are now gray with some snappy silver paint and you get more of that silver paint on the arms, which were left matte gray on the regular version. There are two thigh rigs added, one of which has an integral holster, there’s a new belt piece with some pouches, and you also get two new pieces of shoulder armor strapped around his biceps. The backpack is recycled from the regular BAT but cast in gray plastic now, and as we’ll see, it really serves no purpose here.

The stock head is similar to the regular BAT, but painted white and with a cool looking polarized shield as a visor. Oddly enough, it’s even advertised with printing on the side of the helmet. This sort of protection is usually to help against eye strain, so I’m not sure why the robot needs it. I guess UV-blocking screen would be helpful if the BAT is transmitting back video or pictures in order to improve their quality. Sure why not… let’s go with that.

The alternate head is a lot cooler to me. It’s got a cyclops-like central dome camera with an array of red sensors surrounding it. There’s also a grill for what I suppose is a speaker. This design really strides the line between looking functional and cool for the sake of looking cool. If I were army building these guys, I would use this head as the squad leader. Also, much to my chagrin, this head will not fit on my regular BATs, as the balls are different sizes, which really surprised and irked me, because I would have totally given this head to one of my regular BATs to make him some kind of specialist.

You also get three different chest plates to choose from. The regular one with the Cobra emblem is the one I’ve been using for most of the photos so far. It’s the same basic design as the one on the regular BATs, just painted white. Likewise, you get a repaint of the damaged plate, which has some cracks and a big dent. I remain rather lukewarm on these armor chest plates, as the visible circuitry from the classic BAT design is just so iconic to me.

The third option is like a tactical vest with some utility pouches sculpted in and I actually like this one the best, mainly because the other two are constantly falling out. I’m not sure why, as I don’t have that problem on my regular BATs and it should all be the same mold, but it’s pretty annoying and this one stays put pretty well. I also think it looks good with the second head, and makes the figure look more distinctive. The exposed circuitry in the chest compartment is painted with a bright metallic blue with some of the larger components painted black. I really like how they sculpted detail into the inside of the chest plate as well.

You get the same style pistol that came with the regular BATs, but here the holster is swapped, so now he wears it on the right hip. I like this gun design a lot, and he can hold it well in either of his robotic arms.

And you get this big rifle, and I flippin’ hate this thing. It didn’t come wrapped in cardboard, so the barrel on mine is bent right out of the box. The design is just stupidly huge and awkward and the strap is really annoying and cumbersome and I may just snip it off. The only cool things here is the bottom frame hinges down to replace what I guess is a battery magazine that charges the rifle. I’m assuming it’s meant to be a directed energy weapon, because it doesn’t look like it takes regular ammo. Also, there’s a hinged bipod and the suppressor can be removed from the tip of the barrel. Either way, this thing is getting pitched into the dreaded Storage Tote of Forgotten Accessories, never to be seen again.

The exclusive new weapon attachment is a chainsaw and it looks as bad ass as you might imagine a robot with a chainsaw for a hand would look. Unfortunately, you only get the one weapon attachment, which I think is really cheap on Hasbro’s part. Sure they did some new sculpting for this figure, but they also saved a lot because the whole body is recycled, so I don’t think it’s asking much to pack in the same weapon attachments that came with the regular BATs, or heck at least include the claw. The lack of extras is driven home by the fact that the recycled weapon storage backpack serves almost no purpose. The chainsaw does not fit in the top storage slots and if you peg it into the side it just falls right out. So really the only thing the backpack is used for is to store whichever hand the chainsaw is replacing.

Alas, this release is mostly a miss for me, and wow does it feel strange being disappointed with a Classified figure. That almost never happens! It’s doubly weird, considering how much of this figure is borrowed from a genuinely great one. I’ll concede that the core figure is fine, but there are so many little other things that bug me about it, I’m sure glad I only got stuck with the one. Why don’t the regular chest plates stay on? Why can’t I store the chainsaw in the backpack? Why do you have a big stupid looking NERF rifle? Fortunately, the chainsaw is compatible with my regular BATs, so one of those guys will inherit it and this sucker can go pound snow. So, we’ve hit a bit of a downer in this trilogy of reviews, let’s hope we can end on a high note next week when I check out the Snow Serpent.

In the meantime, swing back here on Christmas Eve, as I will be kicking off a two-part review for Christmas! Or should I say, Christ-HISS! Eh? Seriously, please come back.

FigureFan Zero

Action Figure Reviews, Toys & Collectibles…

Tag Archives: classified

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G. I. JOE Classified Cobra HISS Techno-Viper & Heetseek Missile System by Hasbro

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G. I. JOE Classified: Snow Serpent by Hasbro

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part II

G. I. JOE Classified (HasLab) Cobra HISS Tank by Hasbro, Part I

G. I. JOE Classified Arctic B.A.T. by Hasbro

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