Happy New Year, folks! It’s the very first day of a fresh new year. Anything is possible and I’m brimming with untapped potential and positivity. What better way to kick it off than to finish looking at some disappointing toys I paid good money for! HA! How about some Star Treks…
Star Trek Starship Legends USS Enterprise “Nemesis Version” NCC-1701-E by Diamond Select: One of my most notorious (and probably most viewed) Features was the beating I gave a while back to DST’s re-issue of “The Wrath of Khan” Enterprise. It was a total piece of garbage and ever since then the Starship Legends line has made me feel like a puppy owned by an alcoholic. What will it be this purchase? Hugs and kisses or swats on my ass with a rolled up newspaper? You just never know. The NX-2000 Excelsior, for example, very nearly made it on my Favorites list this year and then there’s this one. Now in fairness, it’s not terrible. It’s pretty average for the line. It’s loads better than that WoK Enterprise. But the more I look at it up on my Starship shelf, the more I’m sorry I paid fifty bucks for it. It’s a beautiful ship design, but mine suffers from the usual spotty paint and overall poor QC. I also had to scrape black paint spray off the hull with a razor. I’m still glad to have this ship represented in my collection, I just wish it was better. And yet, as much as I complain about this line, I guarantee that you will see another one of these ships featured within the next month or so.
Marvel Universe Infinite: Vulture by Hasbro: Hey, Hasbro, where the hell do you think you’re going? I see you trying to sneak out at the back of the auditorium. Sit back down. I ain’t done with you yet. While poor Legends Spider-Woman landed on this list because of her bum arm, the 3 3/4″ Vulture from the Universe line earns his spot for those shitty wings. And it’s a shame too, because this figure features a decent head sculpt and a pretty good body. What makes this figure all the worse is that the wings were recycled from Falcon, so Hasbro already should have known better. If you’re going to reuse parts, don’t reuse parts that sucked to begin with.
Masters of the Universe Classics Buzzsaw Hordak by Mattel: It’s a shame this figure had to land on this list, because even after over one hundred figures, I can’t think of too many MOTUC releases that could even be considered disappointments. But, I gotta calls it likes I sees it, and this figure pissed me off to no end. I get it, Matty’s goal was to release all the vintage figures in the MOTUC line, but that doesn’t make me any happier that I paid a premium for a figure that I wouldn’t have bought on clearance. It was bad enough that there was so little difference between this and the original Hordak, but even the gimmick here sucks ass. The only thing good about this guy is if you missed out on the original Hordak, Buzzsaw here would have made for an affordable stand in. Just forget about the dopey gimmick.
Star Wars “The Force Awakens” (Space Mission) Poe Dameron by Hasbro: Poor Poe. He’s had a couple of truly disappointing figures and I was really torn over whether or not to put the 3 3/4-inch Pilot figure or the 6-inch Pilot figure on this list. On the one hand, I expected a lot more out of the 6-inch Black version and as such it was certainly the bigger disappointment, mainly because of the head sculpt. On the other hand, just look at this piece of crap. Hasbro has been making Star Wars figures forever. They should know what they’re doing by now. So why does this thing look like it came out of the bottom of a cereal box? Remember when Hasbro told us they were doing 5-POA figures so they could concentrate all their efforts on superior paint and sculpts. Yeah? How’s that paying off so far? And how could I not grant garbage a spot on the dung heap? Ok, Hasbro… you can leave now. I’m done with you.
Fallout (Legacy Collection) Lone Wanderer by Funko: You know, I say this list isn’t in any particular order, but if I were counting down to the number one steaming turd of the year, The Lone Wanderer (aka Vault Dweller) from Funko had to be the figure I was building up to. I knew the moment I opened this poor excuse for a product that it would be landing on this list. This guy was the Perfect Storm of Disappointment. I’ve been waiting for someone to make Fallout figures ever since the 90’s. And considering I’ve been reasonably satisfied with the Legacy Collection so far, when the announcement came down from Funko, I had relatively high hopes. But this thing is terrible on every conceivable level and Funko should be ashamed for selling it.
And that wraps up another year and another set of lists. I’ve got a three day weekend, which is the only time I’ve had more than one day off in the last couple of months, so I’m going to relax for the next couple of days before getting back on the horse and cooking up some content for next week, when things return to business as usual. See y’all on Monday, Toyhounds.